Hey guys.
Today I went to Kat's Christmas party.

It amuses me, a pagan throwing a party celebrating the birth of Christ. But, you know what, Kat is cool like that.

So, at the party there was Callan. Forementioned as the girl I cared for deeply. I am afraid that I still might care deeply for her. Because tonight she did not seem afraid of me. Immediatly after those first few awkward moments when she knew I liked her, she seemed afraid of me. Like I was a creepy stalker. So, I felt bad. Because Callan is a cute, high-strung, free spirited angel. And I had made her 'fraid of me. I felt like someone who had crushed a thing of beauty. Like some evil fuck who deserved to die. Now that she doesn't seem afraid of me anymore, I find that I still really like her. But, when it comes right down to it, snowballs chance. So, I have decided that whether I think I love her or not, I just want to be her friend. Because Callan is really an awesome person, an although I cannot love her, I can be something to her. That's better than nothing, right?

I still am desperate. And what makes me want to kill myself is that I am not sure if I am desperate for her or if I am just desperate for love. I would feel bad either way. I would feel like Chris Fielding (Will Be deceptive Enough For Those Who Know Me) if I was desperate for her. I would feel like I was just using her if I was just desperate for love. So what is it? Eh? EH?! PUNK!?

I kinda want her to read this.

So I can finally find out if I really did creep her out. I like open and honest communication. That's why you can't talk back. Actually, you can't because I believe FGK would mock me.

So I can find out if I spelled her name right.

Well, later guys. And remember.

"We are living in a crazy, fucked up world, just barely floating along, waiting for a guy who walked on water once."

Matt.
King Of Meh.
o.ô