Fuck.
I put a dent in my guitar trying to play fucking outside. Not just a dent, but a chip. And that fucking ruined my motherfucking day. Fuck. I really just want to die right now. I won't. Don't worry, If I was seriously out of my skull, I would not be blogging about it. I'm just mildly out of my skull.
So.
Fuck school.
Fuck nature.
Fuck the confirmation program.
Fuck trying to be everyone's hero.
I am not superman, don't expect shit from me.
-Matt
(please note, I am more or less trying to post everytime I feel like this so I can get a pattern. Don't get too upset kids.)
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Monday, April 11, 2005
Bad Things
I shall list them here and explain them down the line.
Things are bad concerning a few relationships in my life, although the stress they have caused has made me feel closer to my friends, and I hope that continues. In particular, the ones with Jenny, Sarah, and Lisa. Do not skip down to that section. Read it in order. Its supposed to be read that way. Nub. Things are bad considering the world in general. Everything is all sad and emo and destroyed. It seems like everything that was cool and innocent and fun has a dark, sinister side that will forever taint it. Things are bad concerning school. Its a bitch. I keep trying, and I just keep screwing up. I however intend to have an 'A' average this six weeks. Good ol' fashion bustin' my ass and not having a life. Its getting really hard because I don't really see the validity in these grades and this work, but, I just gotta start making A's. For myself, so I can move on past this part of my life, and for my parents, so they don't have to worry and freak out and doubt thier ability as a parent. Don't think I actually have much more to say on this. Thing concerning me physically, I've been sick as a dog on and off for the past week and a half, and man does it suck. And, overall, it seems like everything that is beautiful has gone and died. I'm not nearly as emo/depresseed as I sound. Hold your horses.
Friends
I shall address them in the order that they were previously listed. So Jenny is first.
Jenny and I have been talking alot lately. About stuff. Jenny's sadness makes me worry about her, and I want to make sure she is fine ll the time. I know that I help her, but it bothers me that I just can't help her all the way through it. I don't rationally expect myself to be able to bring her life into perfect harmony or to lead her on to eternal sunshine, but I'll be damned if I don't try. That's just the way I am. Especially with Jenny. Because she and I have been through some similar things. Talking with her has awakened a few demons from my past, and, I had to devote a bit of my time and energy to smiting them. I have smitten them all, by the way. They all sent me flowers. Although it does stress me out and worry me sometimes, I know that I I love Jenny. She's a good kid, and if anyone has otherwise to say, say it to me. I won't beat the crap outta you (with a crowbar - jenny related beating are done with crowbars or mini-vans, and I'm fresh outta mini-vans) , but I will sit there and discuss with you why you are wrong. I am not going to take shades of grey on this. Jenny is a good person. She has a near infinite capacity to love and trust others, and that is what causes her so much pain. I wouldn't trade her for the world.
Sarah and I have been mutually confused for a while now. Matt had trouble telling how he felt for her, mostly because he is all lonely-like. (don't worry, we'll get to that later) So Matt had been all confused about girls. Heck, I still am. Women are expensive, in time, money, and brain power. Not to mention the whole mental anguish concept I get occasionally for not knowing how I feel about those around me. I have most of that sorted out now, although I still need to talk to some people. I knew that Sarah still had some feelings for me, and I didn't really know what to do. My mind kept telling me that doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result wasn't merely crazy, it was fucking dumb. My lonliness was saying that things could be different, I mean, look at how much fun it had been the first time, and you could have more fun, and have someone, and be loved and blah blah blah , IN YOUR FACE YOU STUPID MIND! TURN OFF!!!1! Yeah. So, I decided to talk with Sarah. I did Saturday/Sunday, for several hours. I realize now that I don't want to date her, but man, I love that kid. She is going through the horrible process of realizing that the world is an ugly place full of ugly people, and my blog is a rather plain place full of ugly typos and grammatical errors. Blue, I give you permission to be a smart ass and correct every single one of them in comment form. Everyone else, please do not. I can actually get mad at you guys in real life. So yeah, that and the whole idea that Sarah is also depressed out of her skull. Yeah. I worry about her too. But, its worth it. Who gives a damn if I wear myself out on this? I know I will be alright in the end. I have a support base and a huge freakin' bank of experience to draw on. I'll be fine. This is worth it, this is my calling to a degree. To quote a video game (heck yeah) "Why are you doing this? You aren't going to get any medals for this." "Yeah, but medals don't help me sleep at night."
And on to the most stressful and akward and interesting and probobly silly situation. Lisa. Now to preface this, I should probobly inform you guys how I feel concerning Lisa and myself, lest you have the wrong impression. as I have put this so many times before "Lisa is out of my league. If my league exploded, her league wouldn't hear it for eight days." That's just the way I feel concerning her. She is smart, studious, involved, cool-headed under pressure, and a supporting figure when you need one. Not to mention that she is much more beautiful than I am, but, lets not get into that, lest I seem like a drooling fangirl. I'm pretty sure she reads this, and I might address her directly at some point. Whoopty-doo. So, Lisa and I dated for a while. It was great fun, and probobly the best relationship that I have had to date. *points at Lisa* Hi. *waves* Anyway, it was really fun. We actually went places. I had intelligent conversations with her mother, and was only mildly afraid of her father. I whipped her brother in Halo once. I took her to go play video games with me, and she liked it. No gamer could ask for more. But there was more. She liked food. A lot of girls don't like food. She does. Food rocks all. Anyway, we dated, it was fun, and then something started to bother her about the relationship. It ended, but I probobly should of pulledthe plug a bunch sooner, because I just dragged it on and made it harder in the end. Matt is stupid like that. Beat me sometime if you feel like it. Not you Phillip. You are too freakin' strong. I think I know what it was that was bothering her. I need to talk to her. The real problem here is not that we broke up. I think I understand why, and that is good enough for me. The problem is that since we broke up I have been acting differently towards her. Not as a friend should. I don't call her. I barely talk to her. I almost avoid her entirely. Why? Because I am afraid that I still like her in a romantic fashion. And in my experience, nothing can cripple a beautiful friendship like romantic feelings going un-requited. I need to talk to her. *points at Lisa* I need to talk to you, and I have a gmail and blogger account set up for you that you need to bug me about. And, I'm sorry for acting all wierd to you recently. I need to stop, and I will. Don't let me play the wuss. I need to talk to you more. Just about stuff. Stuffy stuff. And, if I ever get my hair into a ponytail, I promise to let you play with it. *waves*
In general.
I find myself not the same. I think I am just doing that whole growing up thingy. I dun like it very much. But, meh, its okay. God is all distant to me now, probobly because of decisions I made since I found God. Either that, or I'm a downer, and he avoids me so he isn't made un-happy. That was a joke. I know he is there, and I now he is helping me. Its just that its so easy to look at everything, all this pain and suffering, and to say "God, who?" and to just go be a pessemistic asshole and rawr. It bothers me that I can't really feel the spirit when I am playing with the praise and worship ministry. Granted, the last three times have been pretty odd in and of themselves, and I almost go there last night. Almost. So close. Its just that I really like the whole spiritual high thing, and although the music is definetly a good thing, I miss the God aspect. Ah well.
My general perception that everything that was once beautiful has now died.
Now if that's not emo and angry, nothing is. And I am kinda depressed about that, but I can deal with it. Let me put this simply: Everything died in the ninth grade. I was stupid, stupid, stupid, and put myself into some of the most screwed up situations ever and I paid the price. I lost my innocence to the world, and now everything is tainted. It isn't really that bad. I got over the fact that happiness wasn't automatic anymore. I got used to the fact a that there are people who would kill me, shoot my ass dead for stating what I believe to be a simple law of the universe. I know there are people who would manipulate me just to get the satisfaction they wanted and leave me alone and afraid in a cold darkness called reality. Life is a bitch, and then you die. Two or three weeks ago this is where my thought process ended, along with damn near everything else. But that is in the past. The rest of the thought: Everything that was once beautiful has now died, and it is now our responsibility to make our own beauty with our hands and our hearts, with the love bestowed on us by God and with his gifts. There is not a single thing more beautiful than love. Nothing can touch it. The love that people have for each other, that is just so freakin' awesome that sometimes it just makes me sit down in awe and wonder what all is going on. How can something that cool exist amidst all of this ugliness and hate and gar and blea and boom and all that jazz. *saxaphone starts playing, stops amidst the report of a handgun* And I just think - 'Wow, if this is the love that we can have for each other, than what is the love of God?' And I get all warm and fuzzy and full of awe and happy and I realize how much I want to have that love, to give that love to others. I also see music as the same thing. Its creation, each and every time you play, sing, rock out, whatever. I love music. I love love. hehehe.
I think I shall also post this on the Ao1 forums as a rant. I shall have to censor it. Not that badly. I guess I should give 'em a blog link. So they can have a fresh supply of... Matt, in case they spill something.
Matt
I shall list them here and explain them down the line.
Things are bad concerning a few relationships in my life, although the stress they have caused has made me feel closer to my friends, and I hope that continues. In particular, the ones with Jenny, Sarah, and Lisa. Do not skip down to that section. Read it in order. Its supposed to be read that way. Nub. Things are bad considering the world in general. Everything is all sad and emo and destroyed. It seems like everything that was cool and innocent and fun has a dark, sinister side that will forever taint it. Things are bad concerning school. Its a bitch. I keep trying, and I just keep screwing up. I however intend to have an 'A' average this six weeks. Good ol' fashion bustin' my ass and not having a life. Its getting really hard because I don't really see the validity in these grades and this work, but, I just gotta start making A's. For myself, so I can move on past this part of my life, and for my parents, so they don't have to worry and freak out and doubt thier ability as a parent. Don't think I actually have much more to say on this. Thing concerning me physically, I've been sick as a dog on and off for the past week and a half, and man does it suck. And, overall, it seems like everything that is beautiful has gone and died. I'm not nearly as emo/depresseed as I sound. Hold your horses.
Friends
I shall address them in the order that they were previously listed. So Jenny is first.
Jenny and I have been talking alot lately. About stuff. Jenny's sadness makes me worry about her, and I want to make sure she is fine ll the time. I know that I help her, but it bothers me that I just can't help her all the way through it. I don't rationally expect myself to be able to bring her life into perfect harmony or to lead her on to eternal sunshine, but I'll be damned if I don't try. That's just the way I am. Especially with Jenny. Because she and I have been through some similar things. Talking with her has awakened a few demons from my past, and, I had to devote a bit of my time and energy to smiting them. I have smitten them all, by the way. They all sent me flowers. Although it does stress me out and worry me sometimes, I know that I I love Jenny. She's a good kid, and if anyone has otherwise to say, say it to me. I won't beat the crap outta you (with a crowbar - jenny related beating are done with crowbars or mini-vans, and I'm fresh outta mini-vans) , but I will sit there and discuss with you why you are wrong. I am not going to take shades of grey on this. Jenny is a good person. She has a near infinite capacity to love and trust others, and that is what causes her so much pain. I wouldn't trade her for the world.
Sarah and I have been mutually confused for a while now. Matt had trouble telling how he felt for her, mostly because he is all lonely-like. (don't worry, we'll get to that later) So Matt had been all confused about girls. Heck, I still am. Women are expensive, in time, money, and brain power. Not to mention the whole mental anguish concept I get occasionally for not knowing how I feel about those around me. I have most of that sorted out now, although I still need to talk to some people. I knew that Sarah still had some feelings for me, and I didn't really know what to do. My mind kept telling me that doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result wasn't merely crazy, it was fucking dumb. My lonliness was saying that things could be different, I mean, look at how much fun it had been the first time, and you could have more fun, and have someone, and be loved and blah blah blah , IN YOUR FACE YOU STUPID MIND! TURN OFF!!!1! Yeah. So, I decided to talk with Sarah. I did Saturday/Sunday, for several hours. I realize now that I don't want to date her, but man, I love that kid. She is going through the horrible process of realizing that the world is an ugly place full of ugly people, and my blog is a rather plain place full of ugly typos and grammatical errors. Blue, I give you permission to be a smart ass and correct every single one of them in comment form. Everyone else, please do not. I can actually get mad at you guys in real life. So yeah, that and the whole idea that Sarah is also depressed out of her skull. Yeah. I worry about her too. But, its worth it. Who gives a damn if I wear myself out on this? I know I will be alright in the end. I have a support base and a huge freakin' bank of experience to draw on. I'll be fine. This is worth it, this is my calling to a degree. To quote a video game (heck yeah) "Why are you doing this? You aren't going to get any medals for this." "Yeah, but medals don't help me sleep at night."
And on to the most stressful and akward and interesting and probobly silly situation. Lisa. Now to preface this, I should probobly inform you guys how I feel concerning Lisa and myself, lest you have the wrong impression. as I have put this so many times before "Lisa is out of my league. If my league exploded, her league wouldn't hear it for eight days." That's just the way I feel concerning her. She is smart, studious, involved, cool-headed under pressure, and a supporting figure when you need one. Not to mention that she is much more beautiful than I am, but, lets not get into that, lest I seem like a drooling fangirl. I'm pretty sure she reads this, and I might address her directly at some point. Whoopty-doo. So, Lisa and I dated for a while. It was great fun, and probobly the best relationship that I have had to date. *points at Lisa* Hi. *waves* Anyway, it was really fun. We actually went places. I had intelligent conversations with her mother, and was only mildly afraid of her father. I whipped her brother in Halo once. I took her to go play video games with me, and she liked it. No gamer could ask for more. But there was more. She liked food. A lot of girls don't like food. She does. Food rocks all. Anyway, we dated, it was fun, and then something started to bother her about the relationship. It ended, but I probobly should of pulledthe plug a bunch sooner, because I just dragged it on and made it harder in the end. Matt is stupid like that. Beat me sometime if you feel like it. Not you Phillip. You are too freakin' strong. I think I know what it was that was bothering her. I need to talk to her. The real problem here is not that we broke up. I think I understand why, and that is good enough for me. The problem is that since we broke up I have been acting differently towards her. Not as a friend should. I don't call her. I barely talk to her. I almost avoid her entirely. Why? Because I am afraid that I still like her in a romantic fashion. And in my experience, nothing can cripple a beautiful friendship like romantic feelings going un-requited. I need to talk to her. *points at Lisa* I need to talk to you, and I have a gmail and blogger account set up for you that you need to bug me about. And, I'm sorry for acting all wierd to you recently. I need to stop, and I will. Don't let me play the wuss. I need to talk to you more. Just about stuff. Stuffy stuff. And, if I ever get my hair into a ponytail, I promise to let you play with it. *waves*
In general.
I find myself not the same. I think I am just doing that whole growing up thingy. I dun like it very much. But, meh, its okay. God is all distant to me now, probobly because of decisions I made since I found God. Either that, or I'm a downer, and he avoids me so he isn't made un-happy. That was a joke. I know he is there, and I now he is helping me. Its just that its so easy to look at everything, all this pain and suffering, and to say "God, who?" and to just go be a pessemistic asshole and rawr. It bothers me that I can't really feel the spirit when I am playing with the praise and worship ministry. Granted, the last three times have been pretty odd in and of themselves, and I almost go there last night. Almost. So close. Its just that I really like the whole spiritual high thing, and although the music is definetly a good thing, I miss the God aspect. Ah well.
My general perception that everything that was once beautiful has now died.
Now if that's not emo and angry, nothing is. And I am kinda depressed about that, but I can deal with it. Let me put this simply: Everything died in the ninth grade. I was stupid, stupid, stupid, and put myself into some of the most screwed up situations ever and I paid the price. I lost my innocence to the world, and now everything is tainted. It isn't really that bad. I got over the fact that happiness wasn't automatic anymore. I got used to the fact a that there are people who would kill me, shoot my ass dead for stating what I believe to be a simple law of the universe. I know there are people who would manipulate me just to get the satisfaction they wanted and leave me alone and afraid in a cold darkness called reality. Life is a bitch, and then you die. Two or three weeks ago this is where my thought process ended, along with damn near everything else. But that is in the past. The rest of the thought: Everything that was once beautiful has now died, and it is now our responsibility to make our own beauty with our hands and our hearts, with the love bestowed on us by God and with his gifts. There is not a single thing more beautiful than love. Nothing can touch it. The love that people have for each other, that is just so freakin' awesome that sometimes it just makes me sit down in awe and wonder what all is going on. How can something that cool exist amidst all of this ugliness and hate and gar and blea and boom and all that jazz. *saxaphone starts playing, stops amidst the report of a handgun* And I just think - 'Wow, if this is the love that we can have for each other, than what is the love of God?' And I get all warm and fuzzy and full of awe and happy and I realize how much I want to have that love, to give that love to others. I also see music as the same thing. Its creation, each and every time you play, sing, rock out, whatever. I love music. I love love. hehehe.
I think I shall also post this on the Ao1 forums as a rant. I shall have to censor it. Not that badly. I guess I should give 'em a blog link. So they can have a fresh supply of... Matt, in case they spill something.
Matt
Monday, April 04, 2005
Fine.
You are all a bunch of whiners. "Matt, post this!" or "Matt, blog that!".
Yeah, I have been intending to blog for a while. Things have gotten odd as of late. If you have ever felt that the world was coming apart at the seams and you were just not the same person anymore and it would never end and you were never gonna be alright with who you are and the whole thing is gonna just rip your reality to shreds... you may be right. I have felt that way recently. Ironically, so has everyone else. Part of being a teenager? Or are we just inhaling lots of funny dust from the construction?
Blue, I'm glad to have you back. I need someone who I don't really know to keep me honest. And on that thread, would everyone who reads my blog please send me an e-mail at pwmouse@gmail.com so that I can get a count? Parents, Regulars, that means you too. I would just kinda like to know. Just leave me an e-mail with your name and whatnot.
Back to the shredding of reality.
It could be worse. It can always get worse. Apathy cannot protect you, love cannot save you. Just that simple. You need to love yourself and to talk to the other people around you. No one thing alone is going to solve anything. And cutting yourself isn't going to help.
None of us are bad people. We just aren't for a number of reasons. One of them is that we don't know enough of the world and ourselves to be evil. And don't give me the "you haven't been where I have" line, I can almost guaruntee you that I have. If I spelled that wrong Blue, leave me a note. If you want to talk about where you have been and why that makes you infinetly superior to me, go ahead. Drop me a line at the aforementioned electronic mailbox, where I will promptly respond with whatever comes to mind. I will give you my word that none of use (and by us, I mean those of us in highschool and the people that I know read this blog) are bad people. Misguide, certainly. But not bad. Mistakes don't make you a bad person. They teach you how to be a good person.
None of us are allowed to cut ourselves any more. If you are about to do it, any of you, just call me for the love of God. I'll talk to you. Ask Jenny, I won't condemn you to hell, although I might bring up God and Jesus and Divine Mercy and Eternal Love and Limitless Forgiveness.
I think that all that stuff is real good and useful. But I'd rather not preach. I'll just hand out Jesus-Cards.
"Show love without remorse." - Dosed, Red Hot Chili Peppers
By guys.
Matt
You are all a bunch of whiners. "Matt, post this!" or "Matt, blog that!".
Yeah, I have been intending to blog for a while. Things have gotten odd as of late. If you have ever felt that the world was coming apart at the seams and you were just not the same person anymore and it would never end and you were never gonna be alright with who you are and the whole thing is gonna just rip your reality to shreds... you may be right. I have felt that way recently. Ironically, so has everyone else. Part of being a teenager? Or are we just inhaling lots of funny dust from the construction?
Blue, I'm glad to have you back. I need someone who I don't really know to keep me honest. And on that thread, would everyone who reads my blog please send me an e-mail at pwmouse@gmail.com so that I can get a count? Parents, Regulars, that means you too. I would just kinda like to know. Just leave me an e-mail with your name and whatnot.
Back to the shredding of reality.
It could be worse. It can always get worse. Apathy cannot protect you, love cannot save you. Just that simple. You need to love yourself and to talk to the other people around you. No one thing alone is going to solve anything. And cutting yourself isn't going to help.
None of us are bad people. We just aren't for a number of reasons. One of them is that we don't know enough of the world and ourselves to be evil. And don't give me the "you haven't been where I have" line, I can almost guaruntee you that I have. If I spelled that wrong Blue, leave me a note. If you want to talk about where you have been and why that makes you infinetly superior to me, go ahead. Drop me a line at the aforementioned electronic mailbox, where I will promptly respond with whatever comes to mind. I will give you my word that none of use (and by us, I mean those of us in highschool and the people that I know read this blog) are bad people. Misguide, certainly. But not bad. Mistakes don't make you a bad person. They teach you how to be a good person.
None of us are allowed to cut ourselves any more. If you are about to do it, any of you, just call me for the love of God. I'll talk to you. Ask Jenny, I won't condemn you to hell, although I might bring up God and Jesus and Divine Mercy and Eternal Love and Limitless Forgiveness.
I think that all that stuff is real good and useful. But I'd rather not preach. I'll just hand out Jesus-Cards.
"Show love without remorse." - Dosed, Red Hot Chili Peppers
By guys.
Matt
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