Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

So Lisa and I broke up today. It was okay. Lisa seemed happier than she had in a long time, and that is worht it. Lisa is a friend, first and foremost. A good friend.

I seem to get alot of good friends by dating.

I wish I could date them more than break up with them to be their friend.

I want to keep dating. No reason atoll to stop.

Do I have any volunteers?

-Matt

Today was Lisa's Birthday.

I had a card for her, but I didn't get a chance to give it to her. It was more of a letter than a card, hand-made because I suck at buying cards. She left to go get her liscense renewed before I could talk to her.

I don't want to break up with Lisa.

We'll see what happends there.

Quizzes

Last night I was taking quizzes online, and reporting them to Jenny. Then she made me take her quiz. She asked me a few questions and this was her analysis of me:

"Your results (from MY test): You are a number 42!: A loyal and caring friend. Someone you really want to have around when you're going through a tough time. You care about those people you are close to and would do anything to ensure their happiness. Even...ESPECIALLY if it includes beating down assholes who are mean to them. You're generally pretty up front about things. If someone does something stupid or something they shouldn't; you tell them so. You're the kind of person you can trust for a real answer.,"

That made me feel good.

I'm tired, and the Lisa thing is bothering me, and I'm still failing pre-calc, and I think that I am wearing thin. I need a week off. Thank God for spring break.

Bye.
Matt

So, Yesterday Was Velentines Day,

and all was right with the world.

But, Today Was Not,

and I am kinda scared. I have been dating Lisa for a little over two months now and everything has been great. Then weekend before last, she went to Aquire the Fire. Its christian retreat thing, looks really neat as far as I can tell, google it if you want to know more. Apparently she got some bad vibes at the retreat concerning me. I thought something was wrong, butI guessed it was because she was tired or overworked or something. Today I show up at around four for rehearsal, and saw that people were leaving. I still drove up, parked next to Lisa, and confirmed with Pip that there was no rehearsal. I talked with people for a while, then everyone else left ad it was just me and Lisa. Something was bothering her, so I pressed her for what was up. She told me. She says part of her wants to break up and part of her doesn't. She doesn't feel in control. I was thinking "Flashback." She andI talked for about five minutes, and we are not broken up. We are going to see if she can figure out whats going on. She also said that she didn't think this could last that much longer anyway.

I was starting to look at this as the start of a long relationship. It still has a chance, but I'll be honest, I'm worried out of my mind.

I have the two conflicting parts of me that are fighting right now. One part is that I want Lisa to be happy, no matter what. The other part is that I don't want to lose her.

The end result is that I am numb right now. A distant sadness and fear... but mostly numb.

I don't know what to do.

I don't want to lose Lisa though. I know that much.

I need to think and pray about this.

Matt