So, Yesterday Was Velentines Day,

and all was right with the world.

But, Today Was Not,

and I am kinda scared. I have been dating Lisa for a little over two months now and everything has been great. Then weekend before last, she went to Aquire the Fire. Its christian retreat thing, looks really neat as far as I can tell, google it if you want to know more. Apparently she got some bad vibes at the retreat concerning me. I thought something was wrong, butI guessed it was because she was tired or overworked or something. Today I show up at around four for rehearsal, and saw that people were leaving. I still drove up, parked next to Lisa, and confirmed with Pip that there was no rehearsal. I talked with people for a while, then everyone else left ad it was just me and Lisa. Something was bothering her, so I pressed her for what was up. She told me. She says part of her wants to break up and part of her doesn't. She doesn't feel in control. I was thinking "Flashback." She andI talked for about five minutes, and we are not broken up. We are going to see if she can figure out whats going on. She also said that she didn't think this could last that much longer anyway.

I was starting to look at this as the start of a long relationship. It still has a chance, but I'll be honest, I'm worried out of my mind.

I have the two conflicting parts of me that are fighting right now. One part is that I want Lisa to be happy, no matter what. The other part is that I don't want to lose her.

The end result is that I am numb right now. A distant sadness and fear... but mostly numb.

I don't know what to do.

I don't want to lose Lisa though. I know that much.

I need to think and pray about this.

Matt