Epiphany
You know how I spent so much time trying to save everyone this year? I figured out why. I realized last night, amidst a totally unrelated situation, why I was trying so hard to help everyone around me, and why I still try to.
I want to fix everyone else, because I'm broken.
I feel that everything that once was is slipping away from me. I see it happening to other people, and I want to help them, because maybe if I can save them, someone can save me. The obvious question is 'Why don't you just try to save yourself?' and as much as I try, I can't come up with a decent answer.
I think that is another problem.
I also realized, in a situation spawned entirely by the suspect flaw, that I have no ability whatsoever to think things through. That's not just bad, its dangerous.
I understand that most of these are half-formed thoughts, but I really can't do any better. I have been sitting here trying for a quarter of an hour, and I got nothing.
"Well I'm waiting for my wake-up call, and everythings my fault."
-Matt
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9 comments:
WHOA! You totally caught me off-guard with a post, dude! You, Chris, and Sarah!
Annnnnnyway, I'm impressed. Look at how we're all maturing. I love this whole growing up thing and learning more about ourselves. I'm glad you figured at least part of it out, Matt. I'm very proud of you for it. I always thought (in frustration) it was crazy how you tried to help everyone else when you obviously had some issues of your own (that you would bring up occasionally).
It's good that you try to help people, but don't forget about yourself. It isn't selfish; it's priority. It really is. It's kinda like that saying, "You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you," (which I disagree with).
See, I have always know that I too ws flawed... I just never know the real reason that I was (and still am) driven to help anyway.
No, sir, thou art not "flawed". I've never liked that word because a "flaw" is nothing but something that makes us different than the rest of the population. If no one had flaws - and everyone was therefore perfect - where would the personalities be? They probably wouldn't really exist. (The last time we argued on MSN, you were talking about "flaws," which is the main reason why I got agitated. You put words in my mouth and claimed I said you were "flawed," which - in reality and if you check - I never once used that word to describe it.)
*shrugs* You can never really save yourself, becuase you can't give yourself an unbiased opinion. You need people. I did. ^_^
I'm able to look at myself objectively...
I don't mean to be offensive, but, the hell you can. No one can look at themselves in a true, unbiased way. That kind of self-awareness is not possible.
And, I even checked in one of my mom's pyscology books - "The hell you can." -So sayeth Freud.
I didn't say I always do; I said I'm ABLE to, which indeed I am. Of course I don't voice it, but it's called "self-evaluation," during which I, personally, am able to look at myself objectively on certain matters. Maybe it's a gift from God, but I actually can.
The only thing on Freud's mind was... yeah...
Beauty is an opinion and cannot be objective. I do know that I am beautiful because I am God's creation, but I'm still Rachel.
I know myself better than others know me. I disagree with people when they say that they know someone better than that person knows themselves because the outside world cannot know what goes on inside someone else's head. If one can think clearly, I believe he/she knows him-/herself better than others know.
In other words, everyone is different. It is entirely possible than I am able to look at myself objectively in certain situations, even if you can't.
Arg...
*that I am
Well I guess you could look at yourself objectively... you know if your not human....
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