Its been a long time since I decided to post.

I have been thinking about my method of handling relationships. Basically, I think about it until I am frightened at the thought of speaking to the person. I have decided that when it comes to Callan, I really just want to be her friend. I think she is a great friend, but I don't think I have what she wants in a guy. And thats okay, really. I decided this on Wednesday. I couldn't sleep, and I realized that I was digging a masochistic hole, and there was one way to get out of it. So, I decided I was going to stop digging like a jackass. A relationship cannot go one way and work.

And now I begin to feel bad. Because I was able to dismiss her so quickly. I really don't know how I feel. I feel a bit of longing, but I think that is just your run-of-the-mill lonliness. I want to be with someone. To be cuddled, and hugged, and kissed. And to have someone who is not afraid of me. 'Cause lets face it folks: Matt is fucking wierd. Later last week, I thought that I was beginning to fall for another girl. I got mad at myself. I had just decided to remove a girl from my heart two days previous, and already I am seeking to replace her. I feel foolish. I feel shallow like a shot glass to a scuba diver. That maybe all the akward foolishness I went through that led to me never asking Callan out was in vain. Or that maybe I am not being honest with myself and using someone else to fill the hole that I longed to fill with Callan. I wish I was mature enough to not get all excited about these things. They really are not important. If there was a person who was loving me back, they would be. The way I alone feel about one person is in no way important.

So why do I make such a big deal about it?

I wish that there was someone out there that I could care for, that cared for me and was honest, with me, about it. That would be wonderful. Unless, of course, it was a guy. Then, I just get creeped out and grab a gun.

I wonder how other people do it. How they find someone... Maybe I am just not looking at people the right way. Maybe I just don't have what it takes to be loved. Honestly, I am a spaz, a fool, a freak, and a nub, all at the same time. Does that seem attractive to you? I guess... I guess it doesn't really matter what I think. The decision is going to be made on the other side of the line, I'm sure.

I think about Callan. If she wanted me to go out with her, would I? Yes! BUT then does that not prove I am an unstable jerk? Because I already decided I was going to get myself over her?

I try too hard. I try hard at schoolwork, fail, and burnout. I try hard to be part of a group, and find that no matter what I am always on the outer edge. I try hard to find a love, and end up rejected and hurt. Even with the Ka|2ma guys, I am just a nub little brother of punky, a nub little friend of SIM who they tolerate because they feel they have to.

"Yesterday I went outside, with my momma's mason jar...
Caught a lovely butterfly...
When I woke up today, looked in on my fairy pet...
She had withered all away..."
-Weezer, "Butterfly"

"Children waiting for the day they feel good;
Happy birthday... Happy birthday...
'Till they feel the way every child should;
Sit and listen... Sit and listen..."
-Gary Jules, "Mad World"

"Rollover monotone;
I've got something to say to you;
I can't speak in stero;
And I don't want you to be confused.

There's no need to analyze;
There's no need to form an affliction;
You're so bored and parylzed;
As your making another excuse.

I can't handle it!
I'm intolerant!
I rip off my shirt and I deal with it!
I won't throw a fit!
I don't give a shit!
I fall flat on my face in the back of this one!

Collect me monotone;
Cause I think I've fallen to pieces;
I'm so strange, you should have known;
As I lick all the salt off these wounds.

I can't handle it!
I'm intolerant!
I rip off my shirt and I deal with it!
I won't throw a fit!
I don't give a shit!
I fall flat on my face in the back for this one...
For this one...
For this one...
For this one...

I can't handle it!
I'm intolerant!
I rip off my shirt and I deal with it!
I won't throw a fit!
I don't give a shit!
I fall flat on my face and I deal with it!
I can't handle it!
I'm intolerant!
I rip off my shirt and I deal with it!
I won't throw a fit!
I don't give a shit!
I fall flat on my face and I deal!(For this one)

(For this one)
I'm hating myself for...
(For this one)
I want nothing more...
(For this one)
We have such a strange design..."

-Splendor, "Monotone"