The Machine
Well, I'm a part of it now, I suppose. It's interesting, because I thought it would constrict me more. I have to go to work. I have to shave, and get my hair cut. I have to have clean clothes, free of threads and with the correct medals and patches in the correct position.
It's not so bad at all. I have freedom to do what I want 15 hours a day. I'm given housing, a stipend for food, and pay. Not to mention that no matter what ailment may afflict me, the military is going to pay to get it fixed. I have nothing to rage about that I would not have raged about were we all civilians.
It is a good thing. Sarah has problems with the military, and while she can't articulate them very well, I have a feeling that they come down to "There has to be a better way." and "That creeps me out." mixed together. I know how she feels. I've seen the fingers with the mouths.
Married Life
It seems odd to think that I'm married. I guess part of it is because I've been with Sarah in one way or another for so long that it just seem natural. That's a good thing, I suppose. We are not perfect. I rage, she freaks out, and things seem terrible for a few minutes. We do seem, however, to have gotten very good at making up, and I think that skill will serve us well in years to come.
The house consists of Sarah, Noodles the cat, Maxwell and Ziggy the guinea pigs, and myself. It is a rather active home, if you count never leaving unless forced as active.
Speaking of leaving
We went to thrift stores yesterday. Sarah procured many books, and I purchased a leather briefcase with two combination locks, as well as two sports coats. Sarah also got a pair of Dickies ripstop work pants, which are far too large, but cool nonetheless. It seems odd to blog without a crisis. I may bore you, but I think I rather enjoy it. And let us be honest with ourselves, readership is down. So, if you happen to be reading this, welcome to a very small, exclusive community. You are different from the masses who read unpopular blogs in that you read this unpopular blog.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Young and Stupid, Godless, Ungrateful.
I've decided I really don't like college.
Its not the work that bothers me. I like the work. This semester I have interesting classes, and only one asshole of a prof. Having work to do is nice, because I know I can do it and do it well. I mean, I think I can do it well enough, but that's really for the prof to decide.
The social scene isn't too bad either. The majority of guys from my dorm are great guys. My dorm name is "Kevlar", for obvious reasons. There's someone outside at all hours, and I can count on one hand the people I don't like, who stay away from me at my request. At any given time, I can find someone to bullshit with over any given subject. This is a luxury.
I'll run the risk of being a dick and say that Sarah really hasn't factored into this. Well, I mean, she has, and I miss her all the time, blah blah blah, I'm not gonna go write a novel on it, but you know I miss her. But that's not really a reason for me to hate school. I can analyze the data coming in and separate the "college experience" from the "Sarah experience". It's not the school's fault Sarah isn't with me. It's not really anyone's fault. I think that even if Sarah was up here with me, I would dislike the college experience.
Its the academic gun at the base of my skull. If I don't do well, I don't get to stay.
"If at first you don't succeed, you fail." -GlaDOS
Thaaanks. No pressure, right? Good thing all this stress and sleeplessness is worth it, cause I'm working towards something I want to do someday, right? Oh, wait, what's this... it appears to be an epiphany! What? I can't become a rock star just by getting a degree? I'm wasting my time and my reckless youth trying to become old and tame? Ultra-bad planning.
------
U
L
T
R
A
-
B
A
C-C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!
D
Fuck.
-----
Eh. So, we'll see what happens. Hopefully good things. Like raining money. But only on me, so as not to disturb the economy.
I've decided I really don't like college.
Its not the work that bothers me. I like the work. This semester I have interesting classes, and only one asshole of a prof. Having work to do is nice, because I know I can do it and do it well. I mean, I think I can do it well enough, but that's really for the prof to decide.
The social scene isn't too bad either. The majority of guys from my dorm are great guys. My dorm name is "Kevlar", for obvious reasons. There's someone outside at all hours, and I can count on one hand the people I don't like, who stay away from me at my request. At any given time, I can find someone to bullshit with over any given subject. This is a luxury.
I'll run the risk of being a dick and say that Sarah really hasn't factored into this. Well, I mean, she has, and I miss her all the time, blah blah blah, I'm not gonna go write a novel on it, but you know I miss her. But that's not really a reason for me to hate school. I can analyze the data coming in and separate the "college experience" from the "Sarah experience". It's not the school's fault Sarah isn't with me. It's not really anyone's fault. I think that even if Sarah was up here with me, I would dislike the college experience.
Its the academic gun at the base of my skull. If I don't do well, I don't get to stay.
"If at first you don't succeed, you fail." -GlaDOS
Thaaanks. No pressure, right? Good thing all this stress and sleeplessness is worth it, cause I'm working towards something I want to do someday, right? Oh, wait, what's this... it appears to be an epiphany! What? I can't become a rock star just by getting a degree? I'm wasting my time and my reckless youth trying to become old and tame? Ultra-bad planning.
------
U
L
T
R
A
-
B
A
C-C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!
D
Fuck.
-----
Eh. So, we'll see what happens. Hopefully good things. Like raining money. But only on me, so as not to disturb the economy.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Dee-doo-dah
Wow.
Been a while, eh?
No earth-shattering revelations or epiphanies. Nothing I need to share with the blogosphere. But why not? Eh? Let's begin.
I never thought I was a hot-blooded guy. And I really don't think I am, at least not all the time. Thing is, I see a bit of red everytime someone verbally acknowledges that there is a line they shouldn't cross. And then they cross it, but think that its okay because they just pointed out that they know the line is there. I mean, I guess some people see "jerk" as a step up from "ignorant", but, seriously. DIAF.
Oh, and if someone decides to take it up with you, and doesn't just chew you out but has the kindheartedness to allow you to speak in your defense, the line "But it hurts me to keep it all inside!" (Seriously. Someone actually said that, in this situation, not twenty-four hours ago.) you need to realize what your doing. Analyze it. Not that hard. I'd make a flow chart, but, really, don't care that much. Just ask yourself this "Why does it hurt when I don't say anything, and what about saying something makes it feel better?" A good portion of the time, you're gonna wind up answering yourself with "It hurts because I am part of the situation, or I am not required/wanted/allowed in said situation, and if feels great to retaliate by hurting those that excluded me."
Maybe everyone I know (myself included) is just more unhealthy than the rest of the planet. Maybe we feel like we just have to be included in everything, like we are all so very important and no-one can get along in life without us.
Sweet.
Normally, I wouldn't say anything. But this has started to affect me as well as those around me. I'm not saying you are all bad people. Hell, you rule, compared to yours truly. But, c'mon guys. Think before you act/think/post/speak/mail. Live your own life.
"I don't know why it is!
Isn't it obvious to me?
Its sympathy!
I'm sure that after this
you'll fear anything at all resembling.
All her might!
Was it the force behind the family bound and tied to keep the bottle down?
To our suprise, to suspect you had discipline or nerve to convert!
I just didn't think it'd work.
I don't know why it is!
Isn't it obvious to me?
Its sympathy!
I'm sure that after this
you'll fear anything at all resembling.
For what we give to this,
the challenges persist,
battles we must fight,
for what we give to this,
a promise to resist,
stand with all your might!"
-Sympathy The Getup Kids
Anyway, in other news, I finally took my little Marlin Model 60 apart and cleaned it thouroughly. Its amazingly simple for such a fixed barrel weapon. It had enough dirt and primer/powder/brass fragments and residue to turn a medium sized white shirt grey. But the action is real smooth now, and tomorrow I go hunting the rats that are living in my roof. Fear me, cousins. I come bearing a maglite and rat shot.
Gun nut? A little, maybe. I like shooting, and I like the precision involved in most things related to firearms. If you make a mistake, you are going to know.
Anyway, I may post again tomorrow, or, I may never post again. But kudos to those of you who actually read this still. <3
-Mouse
Wow.
Been a while, eh?
No earth-shattering revelations or epiphanies. Nothing I need to share with the blogosphere. But why not? Eh? Let's begin.
I never thought I was a hot-blooded guy. And I really don't think I am, at least not all the time. Thing is, I see a bit of red everytime someone verbally acknowledges that there is a line they shouldn't cross. And then they cross it, but think that its okay because they just pointed out that they know the line is there. I mean, I guess some people see "jerk" as a step up from "ignorant", but, seriously. DIAF.
Oh, and if someone decides to take it up with you, and doesn't just chew you out but has the kindheartedness to allow you to speak in your defense, the line "But it hurts me to keep it all inside!" (Seriously. Someone actually said that, in this situation, not twenty-four hours ago.) you need to realize what your doing. Analyze it. Not that hard. I'd make a flow chart, but, really, don't care that much. Just ask yourself this "Why does it hurt when I don't say anything, and what about saying something makes it feel better?" A good portion of the time, you're gonna wind up answering yourself with "It hurts because I am part of the situation, or I am not required/wanted/allowed in said situation, and if feels great to retaliate by hurting those that excluded me."
Maybe everyone I know (myself included) is just more unhealthy than the rest of the planet. Maybe we feel like we just have to be included in everything, like we are all so very important and no-one can get along in life without us.
Sweet.
Normally, I wouldn't say anything. But this has started to affect me as well as those around me. I'm not saying you are all bad people. Hell, you rule, compared to yours truly. But, c'mon guys. Think before you act/think/post/speak/mail. Live your own life.
"I don't know why it is!
Isn't it obvious to me?
Its sympathy!
I'm sure that after this
you'll fear anything at all resembling.
All her might!
Was it the force behind the family bound and tied to keep the bottle down?
To our suprise, to suspect you had discipline or nerve to convert!
I just didn't think it'd work.
I don't know why it is!
Isn't it obvious to me?
Its sympathy!
I'm sure that after this
you'll fear anything at all resembling.
For what we give to this,
the challenges persist,
battles we must fight,
for what we give to this,
a promise to resist,
stand with all your might!"
-Sympathy The Getup Kids
Anyway, in other news, I finally took my little Marlin Model 60 apart and cleaned it thouroughly. Its amazingly simple for such a fixed barrel weapon. It had enough dirt and primer/powder/brass fragments and residue to turn a medium sized white shirt grey. But the action is real smooth now, and tomorrow I go hunting the rats that are living in my roof. Fear me, cousins. I come bearing a maglite and rat shot.
Gun nut? A little, maybe. I like shooting, and I like the precision involved in most things related to firearms. If you make a mistake, you are going to know.
Anyway, I may post again tomorrow, or, I may never post again. But kudos to those of you who actually read this still. <3
-Mouse
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Kaze Yon: "Battlestar Scralatchtica" Incubus - You, dear, are just that funky fresh.
Your Friend: "Beauty from Pain" Superchick - Between what I know and what I don't this song still fits you well.
Shadow: "Aqueous Transmission" Incubus - I think this has to do with the way you always manage to put the words to some idea or emotion that I've been wrestling to define for weeks or months. The unwitting narrator of my life.
Sarah: "A Lack of Color" Death Cab for Cutie - Sometimes you don't see the world for all the good things it has for you. We will just paint it brighter.
Trev: "On Top" The Killers - You've managed to do pretty well so far, without screwing anything up. Keep the faith.
FGK: "Three Simple Words" Finch - You've brought alot of things to my attention, and been a great help through some wierd shit. You're a great guy, and you're not malicious, but you've got one hell of a mean streak and the anger to go with it. So you get Finch.
Nethwen_Fair: "Only Hope" Switchfoot - I think sometimes you've got this whole business down. I'm not saying that you don't fail, I'm just saying that you start over from the right place. You know where to go.
Jenny: "Sick Sad Little World" Incubus - I know its angsty and mean, but this song is totally you. No clue why.
Annie: "Leech" Incubus - You're so neeeedy. But I'll keep you. In a cage.
My ears just stopped ringing. Wow... 25 hours after last practice... that's bad.
I'm so hardcore.
-Matt
Your Friend: "Beauty from Pain" Superchick - Between what I know and what I don't this song still fits you well.
Shadow: "Aqueous Transmission" Incubus - I think this has to do with the way you always manage to put the words to some idea or emotion that I've been wrestling to define for weeks or months. The unwitting narrator of my life.
Sarah: "A Lack of Color" Death Cab for Cutie - Sometimes you don't see the world for all the good things it has for you. We will just paint it brighter.
Trev: "On Top" The Killers - You've managed to do pretty well so far, without screwing anything up. Keep the faith.
FGK: "Three Simple Words" Finch - You've brought alot of things to my attention, and been a great help through some wierd shit. You're a great guy, and you're not malicious, but you've got one hell of a mean streak and the anger to go with it. So you get Finch.
Nethwen_Fair: "Only Hope" Switchfoot - I think sometimes you've got this whole business down. I'm not saying that you don't fail, I'm just saying that you start over from the right place. You know where to go.
Jenny: "Sick Sad Little World" Incubus - I know its angsty and mean, but this song is totally you. No clue why.
Annie: "Leech" Incubus - You're so neeeedy. But I'll keep you. In a cage.
My ears just stopped ringing. Wow... 25 hours after last practice... that's bad.
I'm so hardcore.
-Matt
Thursday, October 27, 2005
"Just A Phase"
So has anyone elsed noticed all the television shows about murder? Not the fictional ones, but the ones like "Cold Case Files" and "Real Detectives" where you get to go through the experience of crime and punishment with the aid of a narrator; I'm getting fed up with those. I just don't enjoy them, and it think its probobly not a good thing that we have an industry responsible for bringing murder to each and every home - well, at least the ones with cable.
It seems like glorification of the worst act that a person can commit, and that makes me... uncomfortable I guess. What bothers me more is that this is a recent developement; although I can never recall liking these shows very much, its pretty much all my family watches. The shows like "Law and Order" don't bother me, I like them, they are fictional. It's the shows that have to do with people who actually died, and A&E and CrimeTV are capitalizing on this unexplored market. Its a sick twist on the reality TV fad.
In general, I find myself liking TV less and less as time passes. Its pointless and repetitive, and the only shows I find myself liking anymore are cartoons. I just can't find it amusing.
"Call it women's intuition,
but I think I'm on to something here.
Temporaryism has been the black plague and the Jesus of our age.
I know that I sound opinionated
maybe biased, and quite possible jaded,
but sooner or later they'll be throwing quarters at you on the stage.
Who are you?
When will you be through?
Yeah it's just a phase;
it will be over soon."
-Incubus
Matt
So has anyone elsed noticed all the television shows about murder? Not the fictional ones, but the ones like "Cold Case Files" and "Real Detectives" where you get to go through the experience of crime and punishment with the aid of a narrator; I'm getting fed up with those. I just don't enjoy them, and it think its probobly not a good thing that we have an industry responsible for bringing murder to each and every home - well, at least the ones with cable.
It seems like glorification of the worst act that a person can commit, and that makes me... uncomfortable I guess. What bothers me more is that this is a recent developement; although I can never recall liking these shows very much, its pretty much all my family watches. The shows like "Law and Order" don't bother me, I like them, they are fictional. It's the shows that have to do with people who actually died, and A&E and CrimeTV are capitalizing on this unexplored market. Its a sick twist on the reality TV fad.
In general, I find myself liking TV less and less as time passes. Its pointless and repetitive, and the only shows I find myself liking anymore are cartoons. I just can't find it amusing.
"Call it women's intuition,
but I think I'm on to something here.
Temporaryism has been the black plague and the Jesus of our age.
I know that I sound opinionated
maybe biased, and quite possible jaded,
but sooner or later they'll be throwing quarters at you on the stage.
Who are you?
When will you be through?
Yeah it's just a phase;
it will be over soon."
-Incubus
Matt
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
"Will the light still remain in your eyes?"
Okay everyone, fact of life: shit happens. You are going to have bad days, you are going to have worse days, and you are going to have days that make you wish that you could just die. So what? What matters is what you do to make it better. Do you keep trying, struggle to make things right and be happy? Or do you just give up because it's too hard? If you're ready to struggle, the people who love you and the people who care for you are going to be there to struggle with you. If you just don't care, and give up, those people will still be there for you, but you aren't worth it. It doesn't matter how much people love you if you're too scared and weak to love yourself.
"We soldier on
through Hell's high waters;
this war's a losing fight.
The past is gone
the future further
retreating out of sight.
And after the fire has died
will the light still remain in your eyes?
We twist and turn
with pains unmentioned;
to speak is suicide.
The hunger fades with malnutrition
where tears and tongues colide.
And after the fire has died
will the light still remain in your eyes?
And after
the darkness
has swallowed every sign
will you still be there undefined?"
-'Undefined Revision", Mad at Gravity
-Matt
Okay everyone, fact of life: shit happens. You are going to have bad days, you are going to have worse days, and you are going to have days that make you wish that you could just die. So what? What matters is what you do to make it better. Do you keep trying, struggle to make things right and be happy? Or do you just give up because it's too hard? If you're ready to struggle, the people who love you and the people who care for you are going to be there to struggle with you. If you just don't care, and give up, those people will still be there for you, but you aren't worth it. It doesn't matter how much people love you if you're too scared and weak to love yourself.
"We soldier on
through Hell's high waters;
this war's a losing fight.
The past is gone
the future further
retreating out of sight.
And after the fire has died
will the light still remain in your eyes?
We twist and turn
with pains unmentioned;
to speak is suicide.
The hunger fades with malnutrition
where tears and tongues colide.
And after the fire has died
will the light still remain in your eyes?
And after
the darkness
has swallowed every sign
will you still be there undefined?"
-'Undefined Revision", Mad at Gravity
-Matt
Monday, October 17, 2005
The Warmth.
"I'm an idiot for caring."
That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. And I've been in a Spanish class with Keith Benedict and a Biology class with Andrew Clute. And I have never heard anyone say anything that stupid.
Now if you were to elaborate, it might make more sense. For example "I'm an idiot for caring too much," or "I'm an idiot for caring about people who don't care about anything," then its possible that you may be making an intelligent, reasonable statement. However, to say that to care is to be an idiot, well, that's just wrong.
Why?
Everything that you are, everything that you are ever going to be, is going to happen because somebody cares. It may be that you care, or that someone who loves you cares, or some completley random person with nothing better to do decides to care about you. I can get Religous with this, and talk about how God cares enough and loves us enough to die, but, for some reason I don't think that you are going to be very receptive to that.
Look beyond that all, and listen to what I'm saying to you, as a friend. As someone who cares. The only reason that I care about half of the people in my life is because of your example. You can't expect the world to be perfect, or, hell, you can barely expect the world to stay in one peice from day to day, but that doesn't mean you have to go down with it. There is a time to cut somebody off, this is very true. But there is never a time to stop caring completely. As long as I've known you, you have been a person who cared about others, and in caring for others, you convinced me to do the same. You're right, it's not your responsibility to change the world. But you're doing a damned fine job, and I hate to see you quit because you get frustrated and hurt. If you need help, I'll lend whatever I can, and then some. Just please, for the sake of all that is good, fairly benevolant, or shiny, don't give up on the world.
You're not an idiot for caring. You are one of my personal heroes.
"So don't let the world bring you down.
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold."
-Incubus
-Matt
"I'm an idiot for caring."
That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. And I've been in a Spanish class with Keith Benedict and a Biology class with Andrew Clute. And I have never heard anyone say anything that stupid.
Now if you were to elaborate, it might make more sense. For example "I'm an idiot for caring too much," or "I'm an idiot for caring about people who don't care about anything," then its possible that you may be making an intelligent, reasonable statement. However, to say that to care is to be an idiot, well, that's just wrong.
Why?
Everything that you are, everything that you are ever going to be, is going to happen because somebody cares. It may be that you care, or that someone who loves you cares, or some completley random person with nothing better to do decides to care about you. I can get Religous with this, and talk about how God cares enough and loves us enough to die, but, for some reason I don't think that you are going to be very receptive to that.
Look beyond that all, and listen to what I'm saying to you, as a friend. As someone who cares. The only reason that I care about half of the people in my life is because of your example. You can't expect the world to be perfect, or, hell, you can barely expect the world to stay in one peice from day to day, but that doesn't mean you have to go down with it. There is a time to cut somebody off, this is very true. But there is never a time to stop caring completely. As long as I've known you, you have been a person who cared about others, and in caring for others, you convinced me to do the same. You're right, it's not your responsibility to change the world. But you're doing a damned fine job, and I hate to see you quit because you get frustrated and hurt. If you need help, I'll lend whatever I can, and then some. Just please, for the sake of all that is good, fairly benevolant, or shiny, don't give up on the world.
You're not an idiot for caring. You are one of my personal heroes.
"So don't let the world bring you down.
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold."
-Incubus
-Matt
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Pardon Me
This may come as a shock to you all, but you have control over your life. You can take charge anytime you like. You can give your life to God, but in the most basic way you are still in control. It's quite possibly to give yourself to God, and then shoot someone for no good reason.
Here's the part of this that may make you uncomfortable - the control you have does not stop with your actions. It extends to thoughts, and eventually emotions. If you think negatively, you are gonna be depressed. On the other hand, if you think about the things that make you happy, and that you love, you are not going to be. Amazingly enough, this simple trick works. Where most of you, and I myself, fail, is at making the choice to feel good. It's just harder to feel good than it is to feel bad.
Suck it up.
I'm tired of trying to make you feel better, when you would rather feel worse. I can't count on both hands the number of people that daily I want to help. Some people, some of you, you want to be helped, and you want to be happy. So I have no problem with breaking a sweat or a bone to make you smile, laugh, and feel better. Some of you like to feel like dirt. That is officially no longer my problem. I still love you guys, but I can't live for you.
I'm tired of mind games.
I'm tired of feeling bad for you.
I'm tired of you lying to me.
So...
"Pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I've had enough of the world
and its peoples' mindless games.
So pardon me while I burst
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me!
Pardon me!
I'll never be the same."
-Incubus
This may come as a shock to you all, but you have control over your life. You can take charge anytime you like. You can give your life to God, but in the most basic way you are still in control. It's quite possibly to give yourself to God, and then shoot someone for no good reason.
Here's the part of this that may make you uncomfortable - the control you have does not stop with your actions. It extends to thoughts, and eventually emotions. If you think negatively, you are gonna be depressed. On the other hand, if you think about the things that make you happy, and that you love, you are not going to be. Amazingly enough, this simple trick works. Where most of you, and I myself, fail, is at making the choice to feel good. It's just harder to feel good than it is to feel bad.
Suck it up.
I'm tired of trying to make you feel better, when you would rather feel worse. I can't count on both hands the number of people that daily I want to help. Some people, some of you, you want to be helped, and you want to be happy. So I have no problem with breaking a sweat or a bone to make you smile, laugh, and feel better. Some of you like to feel like dirt. That is officially no longer my problem. I still love you guys, but I can't live for you.
I'm tired of mind games.
I'm tired of feeling bad for you.
I'm tired of you lying to me.
So...
"Pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I've had enough of the world
and its peoples' mindless games.
So pardon me while I burst
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me!
Pardon me!
I'll never be the same."
-Incubus
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Hmm.
I have a livejournal, and I thought it was friends-only, but apparently, that's an option you select each post. Whoops. Its secure now, if you aren't a friend of mine currently and you'd like to be, e-mail me. Then you get to see if I trust you. Or, if I want you to see my slightly less open journal.
Funny thing is, both blogs are about the same stuff. Only the livejournal is ninja-ier.
Send me an e-mail if you want in, and we'll see.
pwmouse@gmail.com
I have a livejournal, and I thought it was friends-only, but apparently, that's an option you select each post. Whoops. Its secure now, if you aren't a friend of mine currently and you'd like to be, e-mail me. Then you get to see if I trust you. Or, if I want you to see my slightly less open journal.
Funny thing is, both blogs are about the same stuff. Only the livejournal is ninja-ier.
Send me an e-mail if you want in, and we'll see.
pwmouse@gmail.com
Saturday, August 27, 2005
"Jenny Was a Friend of Mine"
I, on my never-ending spending spree, have gone out and purchased the album "Hot Fuss" by The Killers. The first track is called "Jenny Was a Friend of Mine", I found that amusing. Its a real nifty CD. It makes me think of Franz Ferdinand at a Rave Party, entirely because of the synthesizer. I like the whole CD, because their bassist is one funky motor-scooter, and he knows it. Not only does this CD satisfy my need for Franz Ferdinand Vocals, Funky Bass, and Techno PWNAGE, but it has some of the coolest lyrics. They sound kind of like NIN with the synth, but NIN is all "ITS ALL YOUR FAULT, NOOB!" and The Killers are all "ITS ALL OUR FAULT! WE'RE NOOBS!" Needless to say, if NIN and The Killers got in a fight, the Killers would kick NIN ass, because NIN is one guy. And the killers is 4. I still don't know if I like NIN more or not, I need to get one of the CD's... actually, I need to get "With Teeth", the new one. I have heard the others, and I liked them, but I'm just not that angry right now. ^^
I also got the Audioslave Album, "Out of Exile", and I love that as well. Its like Rage Against the Machine, meets Chris Cornell, and then begins to PWN everything it can see. Seriously, I would like it more than Rage if, if I didn't like Rage so much. There is something rather comforting about having a man yell his defiance with a rock band backing him. Maybe its just me.
"Ready!
Let's Roll onto Something New!"
Last night, I got depressed. I'm not really sure why. All of a sudden I just didn't want to do anything, I just wanted to lie down and die. Or be killed, I think I wanted that more. I just, gah, I was upset, and I didn't know what over. Really bothered me, and that isn't the first time that this has happened. Maybe I just need to relax. Sorry about being a jerk to you Jenny, and Annie.
"I got soul but I'm not a soldier."
The date search is dismal. All the girls that I had in mind, that I freakin' know, are for some reason or another inaccessible to me. At least, I think that's what it is. I don't really know if I am ready to date either. I just, don't really feel right. I'll figure it out, and keep you informed.
Becuase you want to know this, right? I mean, you are totally on the edge of your seats, right?
Damn straight.
-Matt
I, on my never-ending spending spree, have gone out and purchased the album "Hot Fuss" by The Killers. The first track is called "Jenny Was a Friend of Mine", I found that amusing. Its a real nifty CD. It makes me think of Franz Ferdinand at a Rave Party, entirely because of the synthesizer. I like the whole CD, because their bassist is one funky motor-scooter, and he knows it. Not only does this CD satisfy my need for Franz Ferdinand Vocals, Funky Bass, and Techno PWNAGE, but it has some of the coolest lyrics. They sound kind of like NIN with the synth, but NIN is all "ITS ALL YOUR FAULT, NOOB!" and The Killers are all "ITS ALL OUR FAULT! WE'RE NOOBS!" Needless to say, if NIN and The Killers got in a fight, the Killers would kick NIN ass, because NIN is one guy. And the killers is 4. I still don't know if I like NIN more or not, I need to get one of the CD's... actually, I need to get "With Teeth", the new one. I have heard the others, and I liked them, but I'm just not that angry right now. ^^
I also got the Audioslave Album, "Out of Exile", and I love that as well. Its like Rage Against the Machine, meets Chris Cornell, and then begins to PWN everything it can see. Seriously, I would like it more than Rage if, if I didn't like Rage so much. There is something rather comforting about having a man yell his defiance with a rock band backing him. Maybe its just me.
"Ready!
Let's Roll onto Something New!"
Last night, I got depressed. I'm not really sure why. All of a sudden I just didn't want to do anything, I just wanted to lie down and die. Or be killed, I think I wanted that more. I just, gah, I was upset, and I didn't know what over. Really bothered me, and that isn't the first time that this has happened. Maybe I just need to relax. Sorry about being a jerk to you Jenny, and Annie.
"I got soul but I'm not a soldier."
The date search is dismal. All the girls that I had in mind, that I freakin' know, are for some reason or another inaccessible to me. At least, I think that's what it is. I don't really know if I am ready to date either. I just, don't really feel right. I'll figure it out, and keep you informed.
Becuase you want to know this, right? I mean, you are totally on the edge of your seats, right?
Damn straight.
-Matt
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
"Mine is yours and your is mine; there is no divide. In your honor, I would die tonight. Mine is yours and yours is mine; I will sacrifice. In your honor I would die tonight, for you to feel alive."
I got the new Foo Fighters CD, In Your Honor. Its quite neat, considering it is two albums worth of music in one. It is a 20 dollar savings, and kinda worth it. There are two CD's, one is "Loud" the other is "Not So Loud", and both are pretty cool. I enjoy most of the lyrics, about dying to self, and surrender, or at least that's how I hear them. I might be off, but, y'know, there are worse fates. I need to start listening to more music, and to give Chris Johnson back his 4 CD's that I have, as well as giving Bellami back the Deftones. I want to pick up the new NIN CD, but I would really like to listen to it, so if you have it, leave me a comment and I shall borrow it from thee, neighbor. And then we shall churn butter. Mmm.
Well, summer is over. Not a bad thing I guess. In a way I'm ready to go back to school, just to get it over with. I think being a choir officer is gonna be a rewarding thing. I mean, Pixie Sticks galore, that's good enough for me. I want to really focus on PWNing the school year so I can finish out this four years on a good note, instead of the dismal performance I have been plagued with in the past. I think that my senior year is gonna be fun. So, that's enough about that.
Now, as we all know, my blog is merely a device used to get me a date. Its like a billboard, only digital and less expensive, and about me. It just kinda turns out that way, and that's not a bad thing. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to date at all, I think that wanting a girlfriend with no particular target in mind is actually a good thing. Keeps me from getting obsessive compulsive, scary, all that crap. I used to actually do that. I would like a girl, fixate on her for at least 2 months before I asked her out, then I would get totally shut down. Not a good way to do things people. Just let me tell you that right now. I mean, I have girls that I would jump at the chance to date, but, I don't have that chance. I mean, its not that I think "Oh, she's too good for me, boo-hoo, I'll never get a girl like her" its more of "Yeah, totally got shut down. But its cool! ^^". See, I am trying to take a rather casual approach to dating. I'm gonna bounce this off of you, leave your opinions here please. That includes you Chris Johnson, we all know you read my blog anyway, and if you ever e-mail me a comment instead of posting it again, I will post it as a seperate post. *glare* Here is my take on dating. Dating is supposed to be a fun thing that people our age do, to gain experience dealing with relationships, sure, whatever, but, mostly to have fun. And that's not a bad thing at all. I want to date girls and have fun with them, but I don't want to cause them any stress; it just isn't cool. I will be honest - I can be honest with pretty much anyone about pretty much anything. I am not ever going to tell a girl that I think she looks good if I don't. That's lame, weak sauce all the way. I am not going to say - "No, actually, you are appalling, freakshow." I might say "I liked what you were wearing the other day better," or, "I miss your long hair." I just want to be able to date someone and have one of those rediculously honest relationships that doesn't hurt anyone. As far as I can tell, I am somewhat damaging to females I come in to contact with. Not the worst relationships, but they never end as well as I would like. I've dated some pretty awesome girls, and I'm sure I'm going to keep dating awesome girls. I don't really worry about it that much, butI really would like to just have a fun relationship with a girl who doesn't worry too much about things. Relaxed, but not medicated, y'know? Enough with the wenches. <3 the wenches, but, I'm tired of typing about you.
If you know any guitarists who might be interested in playing with Casual Friday, please let me know, and give me some contact information. We are now officially looking for a guitarist. Check us out (www.myspace.com/casualfriday) and drop me a line at pwmouse@gmail.com if you're interested.
-Matt
I got the new Foo Fighters CD, In Your Honor. Its quite neat, considering it is two albums worth of music in one. It is a 20 dollar savings, and kinda worth it. There are two CD's, one is "Loud" the other is "Not So Loud", and both are pretty cool. I enjoy most of the lyrics, about dying to self, and surrender, or at least that's how I hear them. I might be off, but, y'know, there are worse fates. I need to start listening to more music, and to give Chris Johnson back his 4 CD's that I have, as well as giving Bellami back the Deftones. I want to pick up the new NIN CD, but I would really like to listen to it, so if you have it, leave me a comment and I shall borrow it from thee, neighbor. And then we shall churn butter. Mmm.
Well, summer is over. Not a bad thing I guess. In a way I'm ready to go back to school, just to get it over with. I think being a choir officer is gonna be a rewarding thing. I mean, Pixie Sticks galore, that's good enough for me. I want to really focus on PWNing the school year so I can finish out this four years on a good note, instead of the dismal performance I have been plagued with in the past. I think that my senior year is gonna be fun. So, that's enough about that.
Now, as we all know, my blog is merely a device used to get me a date. Its like a billboard, only digital and less expensive, and about me. It just kinda turns out that way, and that's not a bad thing. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to date at all, I think that wanting a girlfriend with no particular target in mind is actually a good thing. Keeps me from getting obsessive compulsive, scary, all that crap. I used to actually do that. I would like a girl, fixate on her for at least 2 months before I asked her out, then I would get totally shut down. Not a good way to do things people. Just let me tell you that right now. I mean, I have girls that I would jump at the chance to date, but, I don't have that chance. I mean, its not that I think "Oh, she's too good for me, boo-hoo, I'll never get a girl like her" its more of "Yeah, totally got shut down. But its cool! ^^". See, I am trying to take a rather casual approach to dating. I'm gonna bounce this off of you, leave your opinions here please. That includes you Chris Johnson, we all know you read my blog anyway, and if you ever e-mail me a comment instead of posting it again, I will post it as a seperate post. *glare* Here is my take on dating. Dating is supposed to be a fun thing that people our age do, to gain experience dealing with relationships, sure, whatever, but, mostly to have fun. And that's not a bad thing at all. I want to date girls and have fun with them, but I don't want to cause them any stress; it just isn't cool. I will be honest - I can be honest with pretty much anyone about pretty much anything. I am not ever going to tell a girl that I think she looks good if I don't. That's lame, weak sauce all the way. I am not going to say - "No, actually, you are appalling, freakshow." I might say "I liked what you were wearing the other day better," or, "I miss your long hair." I just want to be able to date someone and have one of those rediculously honest relationships that doesn't hurt anyone. As far as I can tell, I am somewhat damaging to females I come in to contact with. Not the worst relationships, but they never end as well as I would like. I've dated some pretty awesome girls, and I'm sure I'm going to keep dating awesome girls. I don't really worry about it that much, butI really would like to just have a fun relationship with a girl who doesn't worry too much about things. Relaxed, but not medicated, y'know? Enough with the wenches. <3 the wenches, but, I'm tired of typing about you.
If you know any guitarists who might be interested in playing with Casual Friday, please let me know, and give me some contact information. We are now officially looking for a guitarist. Check us out (www.myspace.com/casualfriday) and drop me a line at pwmouse@gmail.com if you're interested.
-Matt
Monday, August 01, 2005
An interesting question.
Someone in the Ao1 server today asked me "why I was dumb enough to be a christian". And I honestly didn't have an answer for the dude. I thought about saying that it was the way my parents taught me, but, no offense to the parents, that's a POS rationalization. So, I gave it some thought. For like an hour, I thought about it, and I came up with a good reason, at least good enough for me.
I like Christianity because it is the ultimate personification of an all-powerful force of love. Love is pwnage. It encourages everyone to love one another, and we all need to honestly. I guess it gives me what I feel I need from some greater spiritual entity. I believe that we are all basically good, but that evil does exist. I also believe that what is evil, under the correct circumstances can become good. I believe there is some truth to every faith, and that not everyone needs faith. Who am I to tell someone they are missing out on Jesus? They may be perfectly fine without Jesus. I like to share Jesus with other, but I would rather share him by trying to be a good person than by being a preachy asshole. Why? Cause I'm hippocritical as it is. Don't need to add to it.
I'm now looking for a girlfriend, officially. So, if you have a virgin sacrifice, (virginity preferred, but not required) let me know. And if you are the sacrifice, let me know. I'll give you a call, and we'll go get something to eat.
Anyway, that's all.
Bye
Someone in the Ao1 server today asked me "why I was dumb enough to be a christian". And I honestly didn't have an answer for the dude. I thought about saying that it was the way my parents taught me, but, no offense to the parents, that's a POS rationalization. So, I gave it some thought. For like an hour, I thought about it, and I came up with a good reason, at least good enough for me.
I like Christianity because it is the ultimate personification of an all-powerful force of love. Love is pwnage. It encourages everyone to love one another, and we all need to honestly. I guess it gives me what I feel I need from some greater spiritual entity. I believe that we are all basically good, but that evil does exist. I also believe that what is evil, under the correct circumstances can become good. I believe there is some truth to every faith, and that not everyone needs faith. Who am I to tell someone they are missing out on Jesus? They may be perfectly fine without Jesus. I like to share Jesus with other, but I would rather share him by trying to be a good person than by being a preachy asshole. Why? Cause I'm hippocritical as it is. Don't need to add to it.
I'm now looking for a girlfriend, officially. So, if you have a virgin sacrifice, (virginity preferred, but not required) let me know. And if you are the sacrifice, let me know. I'll give you a call, and we'll go get something to eat.
Anyway, that's all.
Bye
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Epiphany
You know how I spent so much time trying to save everyone this year? I figured out why. I realized last night, amidst a totally unrelated situation, why I was trying so hard to help everyone around me, and why I still try to.
I want to fix everyone else, because I'm broken.
I feel that everything that once was is slipping away from me. I see it happening to other people, and I want to help them, because maybe if I can save them, someone can save me. The obvious question is 'Why don't you just try to save yourself?' and as much as I try, I can't come up with a decent answer.
I think that is another problem.
I also realized, in a situation spawned entirely by the suspect flaw, that I have no ability whatsoever to think things through. That's not just bad, its dangerous.
I understand that most of these are half-formed thoughts, but I really can't do any better. I have been sitting here trying for a quarter of an hour, and I got nothing.
"Well I'm waiting for my wake-up call, and everythings my fault."
-Matt
You know how I spent so much time trying to save everyone this year? I figured out why. I realized last night, amidst a totally unrelated situation, why I was trying so hard to help everyone around me, and why I still try to.
I want to fix everyone else, because I'm broken.
I feel that everything that once was is slipping away from me. I see it happening to other people, and I want to help them, because maybe if I can save them, someone can save me. The obvious question is 'Why don't you just try to save yourself?' and as much as I try, I can't come up with a decent answer.
I think that is another problem.
I also realized, in a situation spawned entirely by the suspect flaw, that I have no ability whatsoever to think things through. That's not just bad, its dangerous.
I understand that most of these are half-formed thoughts, but I really can't do any better. I have been sitting here trying for a quarter of an hour, and I got nothing.
"Well I'm waiting for my wake-up call, and everythings my fault."
-Matt
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Switchfoot - Erosion
Rain is a bad reminder of everything I don't wanna know
Rain is a backseat driver that takes me where I don't wanna go
And it looks like the sky is caving in again
I'm dry and cracked, the sky goes black
And tut, tut, it looks like rain
Erosion
Oh, Spirit fall like rain on my thirsty sould
Erosion
Oh, sweet erosion, break me and make me whole
The thirstiest grounds can't take the rain
My undecided vices washing on down the drain
And it looks like the sky is caving in again
My heart is cracked, the sky goes black
And tut, tut, it looks like rain
Oh, Erosion, would You wash away my sins
Oh, Erosion, I need a second start again
Oh, Erosion, would You break my heart again
Oh, Erosion, I am a broken hearted man
Switchfoot - Economy of Mercy
There's just two ways to lose yourself in this life
And neither way is safe
In my dreams I see visions of the future
But today we have today
And where will I find You?
In the economy of mercy
I am a poor and begging man
In the currency of Grace
Is where my song begins
In the colors of Your goodness
In the scars that mark your skin
In the currency of Grace
Is where my song begins
These carbon shells
These fragile dusty frames
House canvases of souls
We are bruised and broken masterpieces
But we did not paint ourselves
And where will I find You?
Where was I when the world was made?
Where was I?
I'm lost without You here
Yes, I'm lost without You near me
I'm lost without You here
You knew my name when the world was made.
What's with the lyrics?
I have been listening to alot of switchfoot lately. It's been a while, actually. Last night I put on some switchfoot while playing in Ao1 and I realized something.
I felt funny.
And with the funny feeling came memories, two in particular. One was of the way things were immediatley after breaking up with Lisa, and the other was of getting frustrated while trying to kill Radscorpions in fallout. I thought it was kinda cool in some wats, not cool in others, and it got me kind of emotional for a while. I don't really know why, but music can really get me in touch with my emotions.
I guess I better blog about some other stuff too.
Sarah
As has become tradition, I have decided to completley negate the post below this one. Not much of a choice really, but, I did. I broke up for Sarah. The reasons behind me doing it are sound. I think that if you really want to know, you can ask me. I may not, but asking me is the only way you are gonna get anything, because I don't feel compelled to write it down for the whole world to analyze.
Dating?
Meh. I'd like to date again, but I'm too lazy to work for that. It seems like while dating is fun and worth it, there is a pain factor, and in all honesty, it seems like it could be more of a hassle than its worth. Not to mention that, I'd have to work to find someone to date. I mean, I just realized that I don't know many girls that I could date. Let's see. (This seems a rather cold-blooded way to look at this in retrospect, but, ah, what the hell.)
All the girls that I know that have not graduated:
Sarah - Already dated her, not going to date her again, my own reasons, go die.
Lisa - Already dated her, and that could have gone much better. A major reason that failed was because of some choices that I made before the relationship that came back to bite me in the butt. That, and I annoy her alot. Ah well.
Jenny - dating Phillip
Annie - Dating Tony
Julie - As far as I know, Julie doesn't date, and I think I make her uncomfortable.
Angela - I just think that would fail in ways unimaginable. Like a land war in asia.
Meagan - As far as I know, Meagan doesn't date, and her mom is creepy. Her mom has wanted me to date her for over a year now. Creeepy.
Marissa - Sorry, no.
That was about as far as I got before I stopped caring. Ella also said that I would make a shitty boyfriend, because I have no compassion and no romantic tendancies. She may be right, but whatever.
I'mma go play WoW. It pwns.
Rain is a bad reminder of everything I don't wanna know
Rain is a backseat driver that takes me where I don't wanna go
And it looks like the sky is caving in again
I'm dry and cracked, the sky goes black
And tut, tut, it looks like rain
Erosion
Oh, Spirit fall like rain on my thirsty sould
Erosion
Oh, sweet erosion, break me and make me whole
The thirstiest grounds can't take the rain
My undecided vices washing on down the drain
And it looks like the sky is caving in again
My heart is cracked, the sky goes black
And tut, tut, it looks like rain
Oh, Erosion, would You wash away my sins
Oh, Erosion, I need a second start again
Oh, Erosion, would You break my heart again
Oh, Erosion, I am a broken hearted man
Switchfoot - Economy of Mercy
There's just two ways to lose yourself in this life
And neither way is safe
In my dreams I see visions of the future
But today we have today
And where will I find You?
In the economy of mercy
I am a poor and begging man
In the currency of Grace
Is where my song begins
In the colors of Your goodness
In the scars that mark your skin
In the currency of Grace
Is where my song begins
These carbon shells
These fragile dusty frames
House canvases of souls
We are bruised and broken masterpieces
But we did not paint ourselves
And where will I find You?
Where was I when the world was made?
Where was I?
I'm lost without You here
Yes, I'm lost without You near me
I'm lost without You here
You knew my name when the world was made.
What's with the lyrics?
I have been listening to alot of switchfoot lately. It's been a while, actually. Last night I put on some switchfoot while playing in Ao1 and I realized something.
I felt funny.
And with the funny feeling came memories, two in particular. One was of the way things were immediatley after breaking up with Lisa, and the other was of getting frustrated while trying to kill Radscorpions in fallout. I thought it was kinda cool in some wats, not cool in others, and it got me kind of emotional for a while. I don't really know why, but music can really get me in touch with my emotions.
I guess I better blog about some other stuff too.
Sarah
As has become tradition, I have decided to completley negate the post below this one. Not much of a choice really, but, I did. I broke up for Sarah. The reasons behind me doing it are sound. I think that if you really want to know, you can ask me. I may not, but asking me is the only way you are gonna get anything, because I don't feel compelled to write it down for the whole world to analyze.
Dating?
Meh. I'd like to date again, but I'm too lazy to work for that. It seems like while dating is fun and worth it, there is a pain factor, and in all honesty, it seems like it could be more of a hassle than its worth. Not to mention that, I'd have to work to find someone to date. I mean, I just realized that I don't know many girls that I could date. Let's see. (This seems a rather cold-blooded way to look at this in retrospect, but, ah, what the hell.)
All the girls that I know that have not graduated:
Sarah - Already dated her, not going to date her again, my own reasons, go die.
Lisa - Already dated her, and that could have gone much better. A major reason that failed was because of some choices that I made before the relationship that came back to bite me in the butt. That, and I annoy her alot. Ah well.
Jenny - dating Phillip
Annie - Dating Tony
Julie - As far as I know, Julie doesn't date, and I think I make her uncomfortable.
Angela - I just think that would fail in ways unimaginable. Like a land war in asia.
Meagan - As far as I know, Meagan doesn't date, and her mom is creepy. Her mom has wanted me to date her for over a year now. Creeepy.
Marissa - Sorry, no.
That was about as far as I got before I stopped caring. Ella also said that I would make a shitty boyfriend, because I have no compassion and no romantic tendancies. She may be right, but whatever.
I'mma go play WoW. It pwns.
Saturday, May 21, 2005
One Month and Four Days
inbtween posts. Man, I should be on the computer more. Right? Right?
So, what's new? The Girl and the Band. Typical tennage male stuff. Stereotypical stuff even. So, here we go.
The Girl
So, you guys know that rational post and everyone seemed to love? Yeah. I am going to completley nullify that one. Sarah and I are dating again. I really hope this goes better tahn the first time. There was a rather interesting and dramatic tale behind all of this too. However, it does not bear repeating. Sarah is cool, if you want to see me rant on her, go back to august archives and have fun.
The Band
Casual Friday. I play bass guitar. In a rock band. UBER AWESOME STEROTYPICAL TEENAGE COOLNESS POINTS! WHAAAAOOOO! GUITAR SOLO HERE! Yeah. We rock. Hardcore. We are actually really good, and would kinda like to make it big. We are sure as hell trying. And I'm sure that this is making Sarah's mommy and daddy, who read my blog, comfortable. Eheheheh. Anyway, yeah, here is our website, www.myspace.com/casualfriday. We have had a bunch of shows. We are serious about the whole thing. As Tyler (vocalist, frontman kinda dude) would say (to the chick getting us pizza at a putt-putt place in Pearland) "Yeah. Did you know we are all gonna be famous someday?"
Short post. Next time I'm inspired I'll blog. Sorry about the post delay.
-Matt
inbtween posts. Man, I should be on the computer more. Right? Right?
So, what's new? The Girl and the Band. Typical tennage male stuff. Stereotypical stuff even. So, here we go.
The Girl
So, you guys know that rational post and everyone seemed to love? Yeah. I am going to completley nullify that one. Sarah and I are dating again. I really hope this goes better tahn the first time. There was a rather interesting and dramatic tale behind all of this too. However, it does not bear repeating. Sarah is cool, if you want to see me rant on her, go back to august archives and have fun.
The Band
Casual Friday. I play bass guitar. In a rock band. UBER AWESOME STEROTYPICAL TEENAGE COOLNESS POINTS! WHAAAAOOOO! GUITAR SOLO HERE! Yeah. We rock. Hardcore. We are actually really good, and would kinda like to make it big. We are sure as hell trying. And I'm sure that this is making Sarah's mommy and daddy, who read my blog, comfortable. Eheheheh. Anyway, yeah, here is our website, www.myspace.com/casualfriday. We have had a bunch of shows. We are serious about the whole thing. As Tyler (vocalist, frontman kinda dude) would say (to the chick getting us pizza at a putt-putt place in Pearland) "Yeah. Did you know we are all gonna be famous someday?"
Short post. Next time I'm inspired I'll blog. Sorry about the post delay.
-Matt
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Fuck.
I put a dent in my guitar trying to play fucking outside. Not just a dent, but a chip. And that fucking ruined my motherfucking day. Fuck. I really just want to die right now. I won't. Don't worry, If I was seriously out of my skull, I would not be blogging about it. I'm just mildly out of my skull.
So.
Fuck school.
Fuck nature.
Fuck the confirmation program.
Fuck trying to be everyone's hero.
I am not superman, don't expect shit from me.
-Matt
(please note, I am more or less trying to post everytime I feel like this so I can get a pattern. Don't get too upset kids.)
I put a dent in my guitar trying to play fucking outside. Not just a dent, but a chip. And that fucking ruined my motherfucking day. Fuck. I really just want to die right now. I won't. Don't worry, If I was seriously out of my skull, I would not be blogging about it. I'm just mildly out of my skull.
So.
Fuck school.
Fuck nature.
Fuck the confirmation program.
Fuck trying to be everyone's hero.
I am not superman, don't expect shit from me.
-Matt
(please note, I am more or less trying to post everytime I feel like this so I can get a pattern. Don't get too upset kids.)
Monday, April 11, 2005
Bad Things
I shall list them here and explain them down the line.
Things are bad concerning a few relationships in my life, although the stress they have caused has made me feel closer to my friends, and I hope that continues. In particular, the ones with Jenny, Sarah, and Lisa. Do not skip down to that section. Read it in order. Its supposed to be read that way. Nub. Things are bad considering the world in general. Everything is all sad and emo and destroyed. It seems like everything that was cool and innocent and fun has a dark, sinister side that will forever taint it. Things are bad concerning school. Its a bitch. I keep trying, and I just keep screwing up. I however intend to have an 'A' average this six weeks. Good ol' fashion bustin' my ass and not having a life. Its getting really hard because I don't really see the validity in these grades and this work, but, I just gotta start making A's. For myself, so I can move on past this part of my life, and for my parents, so they don't have to worry and freak out and doubt thier ability as a parent. Don't think I actually have much more to say on this. Thing concerning me physically, I've been sick as a dog on and off for the past week and a half, and man does it suck. And, overall, it seems like everything that is beautiful has gone and died. I'm not nearly as emo/depresseed as I sound. Hold your horses.
Friends
I shall address them in the order that they were previously listed. So Jenny is first.
Jenny and I have been talking alot lately. About stuff. Jenny's sadness makes me worry about her, and I want to make sure she is fine ll the time. I know that I help her, but it bothers me that I just can't help her all the way through it. I don't rationally expect myself to be able to bring her life into perfect harmony or to lead her on to eternal sunshine, but I'll be damned if I don't try. That's just the way I am. Especially with Jenny. Because she and I have been through some similar things. Talking with her has awakened a few demons from my past, and, I had to devote a bit of my time and energy to smiting them. I have smitten them all, by the way. They all sent me flowers. Although it does stress me out and worry me sometimes, I know that I I love Jenny. She's a good kid, and if anyone has otherwise to say, say it to me. I won't beat the crap outta you (with a crowbar - jenny related beating are done with crowbars or mini-vans, and I'm fresh outta mini-vans) , but I will sit there and discuss with you why you are wrong. I am not going to take shades of grey on this. Jenny is a good person. She has a near infinite capacity to love and trust others, and that is what causes her so much pain. I wouldn't trade her for the world.
Sarah and I have been mutually confused for a while now. Matt had trouble telling how he felt for her, mostly because he is all lonely-like. (don't worry, we'll get to that later) So Matt had been all confused about girls. Heck, I still am. Women are expensive, in time, money, and brain power. Not to mention the whole mental anguish concept I get occasionally for not knowing how I feel about those around me. I have most of that sorted out now, although I still need to talk to some people. I knew that Sarah still had some feelings for me, and I didn't really know what to do. My mind kept telling me that doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result wasn't merely crazy, it was fucking dumb. My lonliness was saying that things could be different, I mean, look at how much fun it had been the first time, and you could have more fun, and have someone, and be loved and blah blah blah , IN YOUR FACE YOU STUPID MIND! TURN OFF!!!1! Yeah. So, I decided to talk with Sarah. I did Saturday/Sunday, for several hours. I realize now that I don't want to date her, but man, I love that kid. She is going through the horrible process of realizing that the world is an ugly place full of ugly people, and my blog is a rather plain place full of ugly typos and grammatical errors. Blue, I give you permission to be a smart ass and correct every single one of them in comment form. Everyone else, please do not. I can actually get mad at you guys in real life. So yeah, that and the whole idea that Sarah is also depressed out of her skull. Yeah. I worry about her too. But, its worth it. Who gives a damn if I wear myself out on this? I know I will be alright in the end. I have a support base and a huge freakin' bank of experience to draw on. I'll be fine. This is worth it, this is my calling to a degree. To quote a video game (heck yeah) "Why are you doing this? You aren't going to get any medals for this." "Yeah, but medals don't help me sleep at night."
And on to the most stressful and akward and interesting and probobly silly situation. Lisa. Now to preface this, I should probobly inform you guys how I feel concerning Lisa and myself, lest you have the wrong impression. as I have put this so many times before "Lisa is out of my league. If my league exploded, her league wouldn't hear it for eight days." That's just the way I feel concerning her. She is smart, studious, involved, cool-headed under pressure, and a supporting figure when you need one. Not to mention that she is much more beautiful than I am, but, lets not get into that, lest I seem like a drooling fangirl. I'm pretty sure she reads this, and I might address her directly at some point. Whoopty-doo. So, Lisa and I dated for a while. It was great fun, and probobly the best relationship that I have had to date. *points at Lisa* Hi. *waves* Anyway, it was really fun. We actually went places. I had intelligent conversations with her mother, and was only mildly afraid of her father. I whipped her brother in Halo once. I took her to go play video games with me, and she liked it. No gamer could ask for more. But there was more. She liked food. A lot of girls don't like food. She does. Food rocks all. Anyway, we dated, it was fun, and then something started to bother her about the relationship. It ended, but I probobly should of pulledthe plug a bunch sooner, because I just dragged it on and made it harder in the end. Matt is stupid like that. Beat me sometime if you feel like it. Not you Phillip. You are too freakin' strong. I think I know what it was that was bothering her. I need to talk to her. The real problem here is not that we broke up. I think I understand why, and that is good enough for me. The problem is that since we broke up I have been acting differently towards her. Not as a friend should. I don't call her. I barely talk to her. I almost avoid her entirely. Why? Because I am afraid that I still like her in a romantic fashion. And in my experience, nothing can cripple a beautiful friendship like romantic feelings going un-requited. I need to talk to her. *points at Lisa* I need to talk to you, and I have a gmail and blogger account set up for you that you need to bug me about. And, I'm sorry for acting all wierd to you recently. I need to stop, and I will. Don't let me play the wuss. I need to talk to you more. Just about stuff. Stuffy stuff. And, if I ever get my hair into a ponytail, I promise to let you play with it. *waves*
In general.
I find myself not the same. I think I am just doing that whole growing up thingy. I dun like it very much. But, meh, its okay. God is all distant to me now, probobly because of decisions I made since I found God. Either that, or I'm a downer, and he avoids me so he isn't made un-happy. That was a joke. I know he is there, and I now he is helping me. Its just that its so easy to look at everything, all this pain and suffering, and to say "God, who?" and to just go be a pessemistic asshole and rawr. It bothers me that I can't really feel the spirit when I am playing with the praise and worship ministry. Granted, the last three times have been pretty odd in and of themselves, and I almost go there last night. Almost. So close. Its just that I really like the whole spiritual high thing, and although the music is definetly a good thing, I miss the God aspect. Ah well.
My general perception that everything that was once beautiful has now died.
Now if that's not emo and angry, nothing is. And I am kinda depressed about that, but I can deal with it. Let me put this simply: Everything died in the ninth grade. I was stupid, stupid, stupid, and put myself into some of the most screwed up situations ever and I paid the price. I lost my innocence to the world, and now everything is tainted. It isn't really that bad. I got over the fact that happiness wasn't automatic anymore. I got used to the fact a that there are people who would kill me, shoot my ass dead for stating what I believe to be a simple law of the universe. I know there are people who would manipulate me just to get the satisfaction they wanted and leave me alone and afraid in a cold darkness called reality. Life is a bitch, and then you die. Two or three weeks ago this is where my thought process ended, along with damn near everything else. But that is in the past. The rest of the thought: Everything that was once beautiful has now died, and it is now our responsibility to make our own beauty with our hands and our hearts, with the love bestowed on us by God and with his gifts. There is not a single thing more beautiful than love. Nothing can touch it. The love that people have for each other, that is just so freakin' awesome that sometimes it just makes me sit down in awe and wonder what all is going on. How can something that cool exist amidst all of this ugliness and hate and gar and blea and boom and all that jazz. *saxaphone starts playing, stops amidst the report of a handgun* And I just think - 'Wow, if this is the love that we can have for each other, than what is the love of God?' And I get all warm and fuzzy and full of awe and happy and I realize how much I want to have that love, to give that love to others. I also see music as the same thing. Its creation, each and every time you play, sing, rock out, whatever. I love music. I love love. hehehe.
I think I shall also post this on the Ao1 forums as a rant. I shall have to censor it. Not that badly. I guess I should give 'em a blog link. So they can have a fresh supply of... Matt, in case they spill something.
Matt
I shall list them here and explain them down the line.
Things are bad concerning a few relationships in my life, although the stress they have caused has made me feel closer to my friends, and I hope that continues. In particular, the ones with Jenny, Sarah, and Lisa. Do not skip down to that section. Read it in order. Its supposed to be read that way. Nub. Things are bad considering the world in general. Everything is all sad and emo and destroyed. It seems like everything that was cool and innocent and fun has a dark, sinister side that will forever taint it. Things are bad concerning school. Its a bitch. I keep trying, and I just keep screwing up. I however intend to have an 'A' average this six weeks. Good ol' fashion bustin' my ass and not having a life. Its getting really hard because I don't really see the validity in these grades and this work, but, I just gotta start making A's. For myself, so I can move on past this part of my life, and for my parents, so they don't have to worry and freak out and doubt thier ability as a parent. Don't think I actually have much more to say on this. Thing concerning me physically, I've been sick as a dog on and off for the past week and a half, and man does it suck. And, overall, it seems like everything that is beautiful has gone and died. I'm not nearly as emo/depresseed as I sound. Hold your horses.
Friends
I shall address them in the order that they were previously listed. So Jenny is first.
Jenny and I have been talking alot lately. About stuff. Jenny's sadness makes me worry about her, and I want to make sure she is fine ll the time. I know that I help her, but it bothers me that I just can't help her all the way through it. I don't rationally expect myself to be able to bring her life into perfect harmony or to lead her on to eternal sunshine, but I'll be damned if I don't try. That's just the way I am. Especially with Jenny. Because she and I have been through some similar things. Talking with her has awakened a few demons from my past, and, I had to devote a bit of my time and energy to smiting them. I have smitten them all, by the way. They all sent me flowers. Although it does stress me out and worry me sometimes, I know that I I love Jenny. She's a good kid, and if anyone has otherwise to say, say it to me. I won't beat the crap outta you (with a crowbar - jenny related beating are done with crowbars or mini-vans, and I'm fresh outta mini-vans) , but I will sit there and discuss with you why you are wrong. I am not going to take shades of grey on this. Jenny is a good person. She has a near infinite capacity to love and trust others, and that is what causes her so much pain. I wouldn't trade her for the world.
Sarah and I have been mutually confused for a while now. Matt had trouble telling how he felt for her, mostly because he is all lonely-like. (don't worry, we'll get to that later) So Matt had been all confused about girls. Heck, I still am. Women are expensive, in time, money, and brain power. Not to mention the whole mental anguish concept I get occasionally for not knowing how I feel about those around me. I have most of that sorted out now, although I still need to talk to some people. I knew that Sarah still had some feelings for me, and I didn't really know what to do. My mind kept telling me that doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result wasn't merely crazy, it was fucking dumb. My lonliness was saying that things could be different, I mean, look at how much fun it had been the first time, and you could have more fun, and have someone, and be loved and blah blah blah , IN YOUR FACE YOU STUPID MIND! TURN OFF!!!1! Yeah. So, I decided to talk with Sarah. I did Saturday/Sunday, for several hours. I realize now that I don't want to date her, but man, I love that kid. She is going through the horrible process of realizing that the world is an ugly place full of ugly people, and my blog is a rather plain place full of ugly typos and grammatical errors. Blue, I give you permission to be a smart ass and correct every single one of them in comment form. Everyone else, please do not. I can actually get mad at you guys in real life. So yeah, that and the whole idea that Sarah is also depressed out of her skull. Yeah. I worry about her too. But, its worth it. Who gives a damn if I wear myself out on this? I know I will be alright in the end. I have a support base and a huge freakin' bank of experience to draw on. I'll be fine. This is worth it, this is my calling to a degree. To quote a video game (heck yeah) "Why are you doing this? You aren't going to get any medals for this." "Yeah, but medals don't help me sleep at night."
And on to the most stressful and akward and interesting and probobly silly situation. Lisa. Now to preface this, I should probobly inform you guys how I feel concerning Lisa and myself, lest you have the wrong impression. as I have put this so many times before "Lisa is out of my league. If my league exploded, her league wouldn't hear it for eight days." That's just the way I feel concerning her. She is smart, studious, involved, cool-headed under pressure, and a supporting figure when you need one. Not to mention that she is much more beautiful than I am, but, lets not get into that, lest I seem like a drooling fangirl. I'm pretty sure she reads this, and I might address her directly at some point. Whoopty-doo. So, Lisa and I dated for a while. It was great fun, and probobly the best relationship that I have had to date. *points at Lisa* Hi. *waves* Anyway, it was really fun. We actually went places. I had intelligent conversations with her mother, and was only mildly afraid of her father. I whipped her brother in Halo once. I took her to go play video games with me, and she liked it. No gamer could ask for more. But there was more. She liked food. A lot of girls don't like food. She does. Food rocks all. Anyway, we dated, it was fun, and then something started to bother her about the relationship. It ended, but I probobly should of pulledthe plug a bunch sooner, because I just dragged it on and made it harder in the end. Matt is stupid like that. Beat me sometime if you feel like it. Not you Phillip. You are too freakin' strong. I think I know what it was that was bothering her. I need to talk to her. The real problem here is not that we broke up. I think I understand why, and that is good enough for me. The problem is that since we broke up I have been acting differently towards her. Not as a friend should. I don't call her. I barely talk to her. I almost avoid her entirely. Why? Because I am afraid that I still like her in a romantic fashion. And in my experience, nothing can cripple a beautiful friendship like romantic feelings going un-requited. I need to talk to her. *points at Lisa* I need to talk to you, and I have a gmail and blogger account set up for you that you need to bug me about. And, I'm sorry for acting all wierd to you recently. I need to stop, and I will. Don't let me play the wuss. I need to talk to you more. Just about stuff. Stuffy stuff. And, if I ever get my hair into a ponytail, I promise to let you play with it. *waves*
In general.
I find myself not the same. I think I am just doing that whole growing up thingy. I dun like it very much. But, meh, its okay. God is all distant to me now, probobly because of decisions I made since I found God. Either that, or I'm a downer, and he avoids me so he isn't made un-happy. That was a joke. I know he is there, and I now he is helping me. Its just that its so easy to look at everything, all this pain and suffering, and to say "God, who?" and to just go be a pessemistic asshole and rawr. It bothers me that I can't really feel the spirit when I am playing with the praise and worship ministry. Granted, the last three times have been pretty odd in and of themselves, and I almost go there last night. Almost. So close. Its just that I really like the whole spiritual high thing, and although the music is definetly a good thing, I miss the God aspect. Ah well.
My general perception that everything that was once beautiful has now died.
Now if that's not emo and angry, nothing is. And I am kinda depressed about that, but I can deal with it. Let me put this simply: Everything died in the ninth grade. I was stupid, stupid, stupid, and put myself into some of the most screwed up situations ever and I paid the price. I lost my innocence to the world, and now everything is tainted. It isn't really that bad. I got over the fact that happiness wasn't automatic anymore. I got used to the fact a that there are people who would kill me, shoot my ass dead for stating what I believe to be a simple law of the universe. I know there are people who would manipulate me just to get the satisfaction they wanted and leave me alone and afraid in a cold darkness called reality. Life is a bitch, and then you die. Two or three weeks ago this is where my thought process ended, along with damn near everything else. But that is in the past. The rest of the thought: Everything that was once beautiful has now died, and it is now our responsibility to make our own beauty with our hands and our hearts, with the love bestowed on us by God and with his gifts. There is not a single thing more beautiful than love. Nothing can touch it. The love that people have for each other, that is just so freakin' awesome that sometimes it just makes me sit down in awe and wonder what all is going on. How can something that cool exist amidst all of this ugliness and hate and gar and blea and boom and all that jazz. *saxaphone starts playing, stops amidst the report of a handgun* And I just think - 'Wow, if this is the love that we can have for each other, than what is the love of God?' And I get all warm and fuzzy and full of awe and happy and I realize how much I want to have that love, to give that love to others. I also see music as the same thing. Its creation, each and every time you play, sing, rock out, whatever. I love music. I love love. hehehe.
I think I shall also post this on the Ao1 forums as a rant. I shall have to censor it. Not that badly. I guess I should give 'em a blog link. So they can have a fresh supply of... Matt, in case they spill something.
Matt
Monday, April 04, 2005
Fine.
You are all a bunch of whiners. "Matt, post this!" or "Matt, blog that!".
Yeah, I have been intending to blog for a while. Things have gotten odd as of late. If you have ever felt that the world was coming apart at the seams and you were just not the same person anymore and it would never end and you were never gonna be alright with who you are and the whole thing is gonna just rip your reality to shreds... you may be right. I have felt that way recently. Ironically, so has everyone else. Part of being a teenager? Or are we just inhaling lots of funny dust from the construction?
Blue, I'm glad to have you back. I need someone who I don't really know to keep me honest. And on that thread, would everyone who reads my blog please send me an e-mail at pwmouse@gmail.com so that I can get a count? Parents, Regulars, that means you too. I would just kinda like to know. Just leave me an e-mail with your name and whatnot.
Back to the shredding of reality.
It could be worse. It can always get worse. Apathy cannot protect you, love cannot save you. Just that simple. You need to love yourself and to talk to the other people around you. No one thing alone is going to solve anything. And cutting yourself isn't going to help.
None of us are bad people. We just aren't for a number of reasons. One of them is that we don't know enough of the world and ourselves to be evil. And don't give me the "you haven't been where I have" line, I can almost guaruntee you that I have. If I spelled that wrong Blue, leave me a note. If you want to talk about where you have been and why that makes you infinetly superior to me, go ahead. Drop me a line at the aforementioned electronic mailbox, where I will promptly respond with whatever comes to mind. I will give you my word that none of use (and by us, I mean those of us in highschool and the people that I know read this blog) are bad people. Misguide, certainly. But not bad. Mistakes don't make you a bad person. They teach you how to be a good person.
None of us are allowed to cut ourselves any more. If you are about to do it, any of you, just call me for the love of God. I'll talk to you. Ask Jenny, I won't condemn you to hell, although I might bring up God and Jesus and Divine Mercy and Eternal Love and Limitless Forgiveness.
I think that all that stuff is real good and useful. But I'd rather not preach. I'll just hand out Jesus-Cards.
"Show love without remorse." - Dosed, Red Hot Chili Peppers
By guys.
Matt
You are all a bunch of whiners. "Matt, post this!" or "Matt, blog that!".
Yeah, I have been intending to blog for a while. Things have gotten odd as of late. If you have ever felt that the world was coming apart at the seams and you were just not the same person anymore and it would never end and you were never gonna be alright with who you are and the whole thing is gonna just rip your reality to shreds... you may be right. I have felt that way recently. Ironically, so has everyone else. Part of being a teenager? Or are we just inhaling lots of funny dust from the construction?
Blue, I'm glad to have you back. I need someone who I don't really know to keep me honest. And on that thread, would everyone who reads my blog please send me an e-mail at pwmouse@gmail.com so that I can get a count? Parents, Regulars, that means you too. I would just kinda like to know. Just leave me an e-mail with your name and whatnot.
Back to the shredding of reality.
It could be worse. It can always get worse. Apathy cannot protect you, love cannot save you. Just that simple. You need to love yourself and to talk to the other people around you. No one thing alone is going to solve anything. And cutting yourself isn't going to help.
None of us are bad people. We just aren't for a number of reasons. One of them is that we don't know enough of the world and ourselves to be evil. And don't give me the "you haven't been where I have" line, I can almost guaruntee you that I have. If I spelled that wrong Blue, leave me a note. If you want to talk about where you have been and why that makes you infinetly superior to me, go ahead. Drop me a line at the aforementioned electronic mailbox, where I will promptly respond with whatever comes to mind. I will give you my word that none of use (and by us, I mean those of us in highschool and the people that I know read this blog) are bad people. Misguide, certainly. But not bad. Mistakes don't make you a bad person. They teach you how to be a good person.
None of us are allowed to cut ourselves any more. If you are about to do it, any of you, just call me for the love of God. I'll talk to you. Ask Jenny, I won't condemn you to hell, although I might bring up God and Jesus and Divine Mercy and Eternal Love and Limitless Forgiveness.
I think that all that stuff is real good and useful. But I'd rather not preach. I'll just hand out Jesus-Cards.
"Show love without remorse." - Dosed, Red Hot Chili Peppers
By guys.
Matt
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