The Machine

Well, I'm a part of it now, I suppose. It's interesting, because I thought it would constrict me more. I have to go to work. I have to shave, and get my hair cut. I have to have clean clothes, free of threads and with the correct medals and patches in the correct position.

It's not so bad at all. I have freedom to do what I want 15 hours a day. I'm given housing, a stipend for food, and pay. Not to mention that no matter what ailment may afflict me, the military is going to pay to get it fixed. I have nothing to rage about that I would not have raged about were we all civilians.

It is a good thing. Sarah has problems with the military, and while she can't articulate them very well, I have a feeling that they come down to "There has to be a better way." and "That creeps me out." mixed together. I know how she feels. I've seen the fingers with the mouths.

Married Life

It seems odd to think that I'm married. I guess part of it is because I've been with Sarah in one way or another for so long that it just seem natural. That's a good thing, I suppose. We are not perfect. I rage, she freaks out, and things seem terrible for a few minutes. We do seem, however, to have gotten very good at making up, and I think that skill will serve us well in years to come.

The house consists of Sarah, Noodles the cat, Maxwell and Ziggy the guinea pigs, and myself. It is a rather active home, if you count never leaving unless forced as active.

Speaking of leaving

We went to thrift stores yesterday. Sarah procured many books, and I purchased a leather briefcase with two combination locks, as well as two sports coats. Sarah also got a pair of Dickies ripstop work pants, which are far too large, but cool nonetheless. It seems odd to blog without a crisis. I may bore you, but I think I rather enjoy it. And let us be honest with ourselves, readership is down. So, if you happen to be reading this, welcome to a very small, exclusive community. You are different from the masses who read unpopular blogs in that you read this unpopular blog.

Young and Stupid, Godless, Ungrateful.

I've decided I really don't like college.

Its not the work that bothers me. I like the work. This semester I have interesting classes, and only one asshole of a prof. Having work to do is nice, because I know I can do it and do it well. I mean, I think I can do it well enough, but that's really for the prof to decide.

The social scene isn't too bad either. The majority of guys from my dorm are great guys. My dorm name is "Kevlar", for obvious reasons. There's someone outside at all hours, and I can count on one hand the people I don't like, who stay away from me at my request. At any given time, I can find someone to bullshit with over any given subject. This is a luxury.

I'll run the risk of being a dick and say that Sarah really hasn't factored into this. Well, I mean, she has, and I miss her all the time, blah blah blah, I'm not gonna go write a novel on it, but you know I miss her. But that's not really a reason for me to hate school. I can analyze the data coming in and separate the "college experience" from the "Sarah experience". It's not the school's fault Sarah isn't with me. It's not really anyone's fault. I think that even if Sarah was up here with me, I would dislike the college experience.

Its the academic gun at the base of my skull. If I don't do well, I don't get to stay.
"If at first you don't succeed, you fail." -GlaDOS
Thaaanks. No pressure, right? Good thing all this stress and sleeplessness is worth it, cause I'm working towards something I want to do someday, right? Oh, wait, what's this... it appears to be an epiphany! What? I can't become a rock star just by getting a degree? I'm wasting my time and my reckless youth trying to become old and tame? Ultra-bad planning.

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U

L

T

R

A

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B

A

C-C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!

D



Fuck.
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Eh. So, we'll see what happens. Hopefully good things. Like raining money. But only on me, so as not to disturb the economy.

Dee-doo-dah

Wow.

Been a while, eh?

No earth-shattering revelations or epiphanies. Nothing I need to share with the blogosphere. But why not? Eh? Let's begin.

I never thought I was a hot-blooded guy. And I really don't think I am, at least not all the time. Thing is, I see a bit of red everytime someone verbally acknowledges that there is a line they shouldn't cross. And then they cross it, but think that its okay because they just pointed out that they know the line is there. I mean, I guess some people see "jerk" as a step up from "ignorant", but, seriously. DIAF.
Oh, and if someone decides to take it up with you, and doesn't just chew you out but has the kindheartedness to allow you to speak in your defense, the line "But it hurts me to keep it all inside!" (Seriously. Someone actually said that, in this situation, not twenty-four hours ago.) you need to realize what your doing. Analyze it. Not that hard. I'd make a flow chart, but, really, don't care that much. Just ask yourself this "Why does it hurt when I don't say anything, and what about saying something makes it feel better?" A good portion of the time, you're gonna wind up answering yourself with "It hurts because I am part of the situation, or I am not required/wanted/allowed in said situation, and if feels great to retaliate by hurting those that excluded me."

Maybe everyone I know (myself included) is just more unhealthy than the rest of the planet. Maybe we feel like we just have to be included in everything, like we are all so very important and no-one can get along in life without us.

Sweet.

Normally, I wouldn't say anything. But this has started to affect me as well as those around me. I'm not saying you are all bad people. Hell, you rule, compared to yours truly. But, c'mon guys. Think before you act/think/post/speak/mail. Live your own life.

"I don't know why it is!
Isn't it obvious to me?
Its sympathy!
I'm sure that after this
you'll fear anything at all resembling.

All her might!
Was it the force behind the family bound and tied to keep the bottle down?
To our suprise, to suspect you had discipline or nerve to convert!
I just didn't think it'd work.

I don't know why it is!
Isn't it obvious to me?
Its sympathy!
I'm sure that after this
you'll fear anything at all resembling.

For what we give to this,
the challenges persist,
battles we must fight,
for what we give to this,
a promise to resist,
stand with all your might!"
-Sympathy The Getup Kids

Anyway, in other news, I finally took my little Marlin Model 60 apart and cleaned it thouroughly. Its amazingly simple for such a fixed barrel weapon. It had enough dirt and primer/powder/brass fragments and residue to turn a medium sized white shirt grey. But the action is real smooth now, and tomorrow I go hunting the rats that are living in my roof. Fear me, cousins. I come bearing a maglite and rat shot.

Gun nut? A little, maybe. I like shooting, and I like the precision involved in most things related to firearms. If you make a mistake, you are going to know.

Anyway, I may post again tomorrow, or, I may never post again. But kudos to those of you who actually read this still. <3

-Mouse

Kaze Yon: "Battlestar Scralatchtica" Incubus - You, dear, are just that funky fresh.
Your Friend: "Beauty from Pain" Superchick - Between what I know and what I don't this song still fits you well.
Shadow: "Aqueous Transmission" Incubus - I think this has to do with the way you always manage to put the words to some idea or emotion that I've been wrestling to define for weeks or months. The unwitting narrator of my life.
Sarah: "A Lack of Color" Death Cab for Cutie - Sometimes you don't see the world for all the good things it has for you. We will just paint it brighter.
Trev: "On Top" The Killers - You've managed to do pretty well so far, without screwing anything up. Keep the faith.
FGK: "Three Simple Words" Finch - You've brought alot of things to my attention, and been a great help through some wierd shit. You're a great guy, and you're not malicious, but you've got one hell of a mean streak and the anger to go with it. So you get Finch.
Nethwen_Fair: "Only Hope" Switchfoot - I think sometimes you've got this whole business down. I'm not saying that you don't fail, I'm just saying that you start over from the right place. You know where to go.
Jenny: "Sick Sad Little World" Incubus - I know its angsty and mean, but this song is totally you. No clue why.
Annie: "Leech" Incubus - You're so neeeedy. But I'll keep you. In a cage.

My ears just stopped ringing. Wow... 25 hours after last practice... that's bad.

I'm so hardcore.
-Matt

"Just A Phase"

So has anyone elsed noticed all the television shows about murder? Not the fictional ones, but the ones like "Cold Case Files" and "Real Detectives" where you get to go through the experience of crime and punishment with the aid of a narrator; I'm getting fed up with those. I just don't enjoy them, and it think its probobly not a good thing that we have an industry responsible for bringing murder to each and every home - well, at least the ones with cable.

It seems like glorification of the worst act that a person can commit, and that makes me... uncomfortable I guess. What bothers me more is that this is a recent developement; although I can never recall liking these shows very much, its pretty much all my family watches. The shows like "Law and Order" don't bother me, I like them, they are fictional. It's the shows that have to do with people who actually died, and A&E and CrimeTV are capitalizing on this unexplored market. Its a sick twist on the reality TV fad.

In general, I find myself liking TV less and less as time passes. Its pointless and repetitive, and the only shows I find myself liking anymore are cartoons. I just can't find it amusing.

"Call it women's intuition,
but I think I'm on to something here.
Temporaryism has been the black plague and the Jesus of our age.
I know that I sound opinionated
maybe biased, and quite possible jaded,
but sooner or later they'll be throwing quarters at you on the stage.

Who are you?
When will you be through?

Yeah it's just a phase;
it will be over soon."
-Incubus

Matt

"Will the light still remain in your eyes?"

Okay everyone, fact of life: shit happens. You are going to have bad days, you are going to have worse days, and you are going to have days that make you wish that you could just die. So what? What matters is what you do to make it better. Do you keep trying, struggle to make things right and be happy? Or do you just give up because it's too hard? If you're ready to struggle, the people who love you and the people who care for you are going to be there to struggle with you. If you just don't care, and give up, those people will still be there for you, but you aren't worth it. It doesn't matter how much people love you if you're too scared and weak to love yourself.

"We soldier on
through Hell's high waters;
this war's a losing fight.
The past is gone
the future further
retreating out of sight.

And after the fire has died
will the light still remain in your eyes?

We twist and turn
with pains unmentioned;
to speak is suicide.
The hunger fades with malnutrition
where tears and tongues colide.

And after the fire has died
will the light still remain in your eyes?
And after
the darkness
has swallowed every sign
will you still be there undefined?"
-'Undefined Revision", Mad at Gravity

-Matt

The Warmth.

"I'm an idiot for caring."

That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. And I've been in a Spanish class with Keith Benedict and a Biology class with Andrew Clute. And I have never heard anyone say anything that stupid.

Now if you were to elaborate, it might make more sense. For example "I'm an idiot for caring too much," or "I'm an idiot for caring about people who don't care about anything," then its possible that you may be making an intelligent, reasonable statement. However, to say that to care is to be an idiot, well, that's just wrong.

Why?

Everything that you are, everything that you are ever going to be, is going to happen because somebody cares. It may be that you care, or that someone who loves you cares, or some completley random person with nothing better to do decides to care about you. I can get Religous with this, and talk about how God cares enough and loves us enough to die, but, for some reason I don't think that you are going to be very receptive to that.

Look beyond that all, and listen to what I'm saying to you, as a friend. As someone who cares. The only reason that I care about half of the people in my life is because of your example. You can't expect the world to be perfect, or, hell, you can barely expect the world to stay in one peice from day to day, but that doesn't mean you have to go down with it. There is a time to cut somebody off, this is very true. But there is never a time to stop caring completely. As long as I've known you, you have been a person who cared about others, and in caring for others, you convinced me to do the same. You're right, it's not your responsibility to change the world. But you're doing a damned fine job, and I hate to see you quit because you get frustrated and hurt. If you need help, I'll lend whatever I can, and then some. Just please, for the sake of all that is good, fairly benevolant, or shiny, don't give up on the world.

You're not an idiot for caring. You are one of my personal heroes.

"So don't let the world bring you down.
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold."
-Incubus

-Matt